New theory

Throughout my life, "junk" food has been scarce in my house. Early on, everything was a competition with my little brother to eat it before he did, from the Honey Nut Cheerios first thing in the morning to the Girl Guide cookies once a year to the ... well, you get the picture. Later in life, with my now-ex-husband, we didn't have it in the house at all cause it wasn't good for us (read: he didn't want me to gain any more weight). The result of this is that I have always viewed cookies, chips, candy and the like as a treat or an indulgence, rather than as a part of my day. There is nothing to say that a few healthy cookies (such as homemade organic peanut butter cookies or some dark chocolate covered almonds) every day is bad. In moderation, of course. I am making a concerted effort to fill my cupboards with local produce and organics foodstuffs. Part of that will now include some "junk" food every week, I think. I want to change my mentality from "binge on junk" to "have a little every day as you want" and see if that helps with the cravings.

My food binges, I should explain (and this is me being a kind of honest I wasn't sure I was capable of), have always taken a what I understand to be a relatively common form: eating a lot of food at once just because it is there, buying chocolate or other foods and eating a bunch all at once (never in front of people), and really not being able to stop even when I am full because I am not yet satisfied. And always there is some form of hiding the evidence (I used to be very adept at hiding wrappers in tissues or paper towels). Mostly this happens when I am feeling emotionally low or stressed out. Many times when I seem to eat a normal portion when I am with people, I eat more later on. I remember that when I was with my ex, I used to "rebel" by buying a chocolate chip muffin (one of the realllly bad for you ones that they make in store) every week when I did the shopping. By the time I got from the store to the subway platform to go home, the muffin was pretty much gone. That way I could throw out the wrapper on the way home and nobody was the wiser. This pattern has stayed with me. I will often be on my way somewhere and pick up a chocolate bar or a donut to eat on the way, that way there is no evidence. (As I am writing this, I am shaking my head at myself wondering how I didn't see this before ... how stupid this behaviour is.)

The key to me losing weight and keeping it off is going to have to be finding a way to change my emotions associated with food. As part of that, I am going to use some of the techniques I use to manage my depression. The main one is to re-frame my emotions when I feel the need to eat when I am not hungry. I think this is similar to the technique that was used by the author of Confessions of a Carb Queen* (BTW ... I LOVE HER!! I have read this book twice now, and think she is one brave soul and a fantastic writer). She used HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) whenever she felt the urge to eat when not hungry; or worse, binge.

My next read is going to be Locker Room Diaries. I have been following Leslie Goldman's blog for a while now (URL has changed and for some reason I have trouble linking it, but here is the "old" one) and there is something about reading not only the posts she writes but also the comments from others that I find enjoyable and inspiring. Plus, it has lead me to other cool sites, such as Cranky Fitness (Cranky and Merry crack me up :) ).

Ok. I am totally rambling now. Must be the tail end of my cold getting to me. Suffice it to say that I went for groceries today and now have a kitchen full of goodness and plan to make cookies tomorrow. If they work out, I will post the recipe and give props to the person who gave it to me.

KTHXBAI!


* OMG!! How did I not know she had a blog!?!?!?