It's amazing what happens when your head comes out of the sand

"The Ex" called me just over a week ago and it freaked me out to the very core of my being.  

I am not even sure why I am writing about it now except to say that I am OK.  Which is kinda cool.   

When the phone rang, I was certainly not expecting it to be him and it took me a few sentences to clue in.  The reason he was calling is totally unimportant (especially as it was a load of hogwash).  The effect that it had on me is.

For the entirety of the conversation (which lasted anywhere between 4 minutes and 30 minutes  - I am still fuzzy about that part), I was composed and articulate, which pleases me because I didn't show weakness.  After I hung up the phone, I totally dissolved into spasms of body-wracking tears. It was horrible ... for about half an hour.  I called a good friend and she listened patiently while I recounted the conversation (as much as I could recall) and we walked through how I was feeling.  Truth is that while I felt broken again for a bit, I recovered pretty quickly.  I think it was just the shock of hearing from him that did me in.  It did throw off the rest of the day a bit, but I dusted myself off and went to the pub for a beer and a burger.  Getting in some Christmas shopping afterward helped too.  

Somehow in the last 16 months I have come to an understanding with myself about my inherent self-worth.  I have come to realise that, wow ... I have some.  (Please forgive the fact that this next bit is going to sound sappy out the wazoo.)  All my life, I had fake self-esteem.  Shy and geeky, I never had a lot of friends, and always had trouble keeping the ones I made cause communication was not a talent of mine.  Well, I overcame the shyness (no shit, eh??) and learned to have friends and life is sooooo much better now.  Yay!  

All this gave me the ability to speak to him with strength in my voice and words.  One of the things I do remember him asking is if I hate him.  Without pausing, I told him the truth. I told him that it depends on the day you ask me: sometimes I feel sorry for him, and sometimes I really do hate him. 

I am hopeful now that he will hear my new strength and that I will NEVER. HEAR. FROM. HIM. AGAIN.