Just a girl wandering the city

Her first time :)

2010-07-28T19:05:00.000-04:00

I honestly don't know if I am posting this for the ladies or the men, but damn it is funny. Funny and true. And a little evil. And funny :)

Growing up

2010-07-18T13:25:00.000-04:00

I have been a vegetarian since January 1998 (I almost forgot how to write a year that doesn't begin with "20" for a second there!) which is a hell of a long time, relatively speaking. But it wasn't until recently that I really felt like I hit my stride.

Most vegetarians take the opportunity to try a ton of new foods in order to get variety and more nutrients into their diet. I didn't so much. I mean, I did - I added soy products (both "pre-fab" and tofu) and discovered lentils and beans and such. But other than that, my main ingredients didn't change all that much from what I had as a kid. I still loved my pasta and white rice (ok - I am past white rice and into basmati, but that isn't much of a stretch) and bananas and apples. Plain old staples ruled my diet for many years after becoming a vegetarian. I have flirted with veganism and even went back to eating meat for a few months (which didn't work out so well cause it still grossed me out mostly - it was a passing phase based on great turmoil in my life). But ultimately, I still love my basics. Until recently, that is. Currently the ratio of foods in my fridge is about 60:40 foods that I am new to : old staples. Kale, leeks, quinoa, shallots (instead of plain old onions), scapes, cantaloupe (which I never really liked up until recently), collards, rapini, edamame, new oils and vinegars ... all things that I have "discovered" recently. Even such simple things as fresh lemon and lime - I had always used the bottled lemon juice and almost never used lime.

And things that I used to love are no longer as delicious as I used to think; pre-fab salad dressing is no longer, and I make my own. Corn is pretty much gone from my diet as I don't really trust the fact that it is mostly GMO now. Today I bought some organic frozen corn, but I am sure even that isn't non-GMO (but I will let it slide this time cause it was a crucial ingredient for an edamame-based salad). Even bread isn't as much fun as it used to be. Now I buy tortillas (the whole grain ones rule!) and wrap my sandwiches, usually with a drizzle of flaxseed oil for some extra omegas.

It was a gradual change, but it started once I was living by myself and really starting to grow into own personality. I spend more time outside now than I have since I was a kid, thanks to the dogs, and have a wonderful farmer's tan to show for it. Nowadays I am going to the gym too. Not because I feel I have to, but because I want to. Granted, it is still a little tough to haul my ass there, but at least I am doing it.

All these things have lead to an alarming trend: I am peppier in the morning than ever before. And today I woke up without an alarm. Before 10AM!!! Actually, it was closer to 8AM.

Dammit - I think I am growing up :)

2010-02-20T20:58:00.002-05:00

It's amazing how an epiphany hits you, isn't it?

I was reading Healthy Girl recently, and realized that this post could have been written about me. I have never not gone someplace because I was "fat", but I sure as hell have dressed in my frumpiest clothes so that I go unnoticed. Many times. Too many times.

The journey to overcome is not a short one, is it ...

No idea where this post is going to go

2010-01-19T22:18:00.009-05:00

If you live in the Toronto area, odds are you have seen headlines like "Why 7 pedestrians have died in 7 days" or "Two more die on GTA streets". Normally I would read them and shake my head a little and wish that drivers and pedestrians could eventually learn to get along.

The problem right now is that one of the deaths happened half a block from my apartment. When I was walking the dog yesterday morning, I passed by the intersection where it happened about an hour after she died. I didn't mean to, but we walked our normal route and I saw the aftermath of the scene. Her body was gone by then, but the police and emergency crews were still there ... the bus that hit her was still there ... her jacket and shopping bag were still there. And suddenly it was all very real. I went home and I mourned her. I didn't know who it was then. I looked up some details online, but they were limited. For some reason, the jacket seemed familiar to me, and I could not figure out why, but I was concerned that it could have been someone in my building.

Tonight as I was out with the dog again, I ended up walking past the scene of the accident with an older neighbour of mine. She told me that she knew the lady who had been killed, and I was sad for her. Then I realized I knew her too. I didn't know her in the sense of friendship or even as an acquaintance: she worked at the local grocery store. I used to go to her line when I was there because she was always so calm and methodical when she rang groceries up. At first it used to drive me nuts because it would take at least half again the time for her to ring everything up that it would the other cashiers. Then I realized that she never seemed to be at all stressed or agitated, like the rest of us seem to be most of the time. In a really odd way, she reminded me to slow down and do just one thing at a time (not my forte). She was the definition of laconic when she was at work, but without seeming unfriendly. I would see her walking around the area (she lived up the street from her work and, as it turns out, from where she died). Small things like that make this area a community. You see people on a regular basis over time, and you start to feel a connection, however tenuous.

I just wish we could have protected her.

I don't know them, but my condolences go out to her family.

2010 looks to be an interesting year

2010-01-10T22:38:00.002-05:00

Consider this fair warning that there is a very real possibility that this blog will turn into a way of journalling my quest to get healthy. In the past I have made half-assed attempts at it, with limited success. I have lost weight, gained weight, tried running, tried gyms, tried DVDs at home, tried Weight Watchers, tried walking it off ... ok - you get the idea, although that list is not exhaustive (if it wasn't sad, it would be laughable how much I have tried). What I have NOT tried, is dealing with the reasons why I prefer to binge eat and sit on my duff instead of getting exercise. I have a pretty good idea of the "why", but that isn't enough. I have said it before, but it is worth saying again: I don't want to go the way my parents did. I either make changes now, or I risk that very problem.

So. I am embarking on what promises to be a shiteous journey of major changes.

I will need all the encouraging words I can get, so my request to anybody here is that if you don't have anything supportive to say, please don't comment. I know a lot of my friends will tell me that "you look great" or "you are being hard on yourself", but neither of those are true anymore. I may have a fabulous new hair colour, but I can't deny that my body has changed a lot in the last few years, and not for the better.

The only thing that I can guarantee is that the next few months are going to be hard, and I am not looking forward to the struggle ahead. That is probably a defeatist attitude, isn't it ... gonna have to work on that too, I guess.

What a way to start the year

2010-01-08T10:00:00.000-05:00

You know those dating stories that you swear people must have made up? A lot of them are here.

Here is mine.

Kelly and I had emailed back and forth a bit on an online dating site in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Then I got busy and didn't reply for a while, but picked up again close to New Year's. On New Year's Day, we finally got to the fabled "phone conversation" stage. Woot! Or maybe not ....

The conversation itself was great. He was funny, we had common interests, live in the same area (like a less than 10 minute walk from my place) and so we seemed to get along really well. He asked if I wanted to be spontaneous and go out for a drink that night, so I said "ya - sure!". We then agreed that since we live so close to the pub he chose (remember that detail .... HE chose it), whoever left their apartment first would call the other, and we would meet at the same time.

I called him as I was leaving (which was about 3 or 4 hours after we talked, and 5 minutes before the agreed-upon meeting time) and I swear upon all that is good and holy, that it sounded like he didn't remember we were going out. But he recovered enough to say that he would be a bit late.

Strike 1 - lateness.

When he got there, he "didn't recognize you (i.e. me) with curly hair". Um. What???? I have had curly hair since BIRTH and do in my profile pic as well. Strike 2 - inattention to detail or just plain stupidness.

Strike 3 was that he looked NOTHING like his profile pic, which obviously was way outdated. WAY outdated.

Strike 4 was cause walking through the pub was like being with Norm from Cheers - he apparently knew everybody. Which is why he likes going there - I get it - but it is not really conducive to a first date. Why he could not have chosen a pub where he was not as well-known, I don't understand. Maybe it is a guy thing.

So, we sit down. I ordered a Rickard's White. He ordered a Budweiser. Automatic strike, so we are up to 5. (I am sorry, but who orders a Bud on a first date??? Bud should be relegated to tailgate parties, northern Ontario weddings and camping trips. Sheesh.)

We made polite chit-chat, but I had already decided that I would have a beer and be outta there. That is until we ended up in conversation with the table of 3 beside us. I'm still not 100% sure how that happened, except for the fact that one of the "hair of the dog" women thought she had bumped my chair or something. Either way, we ended up talking to them. For well over an hour. Basically, as soon as we started talking to them, I stopped worrying about trying to get along with my "date". Which was peachy, cause these two sisters and one of their boyfriends were freaking funny.

All was going well until the topic of movies came up. The single sister (as in not the sister with her boyfriend there) mentioned that she was really excited about smoking some pot and going to see the new Alice in Wonderland flick. Kelly was also very excited by this prospect, so HE GOT HER PHONE NUMBER. People, I shit you not. So, now we are up to strike 8 (6 was the pot smoking, 7 was the fact that his profile said he didn't do drugs so he lies, and 8 was the phone # thing).

I should have just up and left, but really I was having fun with these folks. Eventually I got bored, though, so I made an excuse and dropped a $20 on the table. More than my fair share of the bill, but I didn't want to wait for change. As I was leaving, it came out that it was our first date (the sisters were shocked, needless to say). I said my goodbyes to all, and Kelly pulled me over to ask if I was OK. The sad reality is that I had more fun with the strange table beside us than I knew I ever would with him. I assured him I was fine, and got the hell out of Dodge.

Eh - whatever. Live and learn, my friends. And what I learned is that if you don't take risks, you don't get anywhere. As far as I am concerned, that was a great way to ring in the first day of the new year.

Oh! But I did hear from him 2 days later. He still has no clue why I left. I guess that brings us up to strike 9 :)

I have the smelling salts ready

2010-01-07T19:48:00.004-05:00

You know ... in case you faint from the fact that I am posting an entry here. Cause I am faint with the thrill of posting, lemme tell ya.

It has been weeks, nay, months!! since I posted anything, for a variety of reasons that I won't bore you with. But mostly related to being very busy and more than a little .... off.

Mid last year, I made the decision (with my doctor - I am not an idiot) to go off all mood-related medications. This was a mixed-blessing sort of decision, because on the one hand there was a HUGE yay that I wasn't experiencing the redonkadonk side effects from the meds. On the other hand .... no meds. AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Now, I am not a person who is off-the-wall, batshit insane without my meds. But I used to be (years ago). For a while there, I made LiLo look totally normal (except I didn't have all the skinniness, bisexualism and drug abuse). This time, once I went off the meds, I had a spell of dizzy like you would not believe. I could not walk more than a few meters without stumbling a bit. I was walking around like a drunk all freaking day. For weeks. Less than pleasant? Yes. Yes it was.

That's all over now, though. Now all I have to deal with is the fact that I don't know how to deal with the minor depression and everything. I was not born with coping mechanisms (like most of us are not), and I was not taught them. My parents were prone to "do as I say, not as I do", and it is a miracle that I am not more messed up than I am.

Where was I going with this? Oh ... right.

So. The point is that I have been trying to learn how to cope with everyday stress and stuff. I took on some volunteering (which I LOVE and have met some fan-freaking-tastic people) and am getting out a lot more than I used to, which is good for me. Holing up at home is bad for depression, so getting out is a good idea. So, I am getting out. A lot. Yay me!

BUT! Cause there is always a but. And my butt is expanding. Yeeaaaaah. Turns out that my main form of "coping" is to eat everything in my cupboards at one time. And sleeping. I luurrrve sleeping. While food and sleep are necessary parts of life, in excess they are unhealthy. I read recently that in order to break a bad habit, you have to replace it with a good one. Something about how the brain is wired and that you can't just STOP doing something if it is ingrained into your being. Overeating and sleeping in are hugely ingrained on my psyche. So the major question now is - what the hell do I replace overeating and oversleeping with???? I am never going to be able to solve the problem of my yo-yo waistline until I deal with the psychological aspect of the WHY I do things.

I have no idea why I suddenly decided to share. Maybe I am hoping that someone out there (all 3 of you who read this :P ) will have a suggestion that will help. Maybe I needed to vent. Or possibly I just missed blogging and finally felt up to trying it again. Who knows. It is entirely likely that you won't hear from me again for another 6 months and by then I will be all svelte and sleeping 7 hours a day. HAHAHAHA! I am so funny :)

Maybe tomorrow I will tell you about the date that I went on on New Year's Day. Cause there is no better way to start the year than a date that will go down in history .....

No title. I am too tired. From going out with the new man.

2009-08-28T17:52:00.003-04:00

So, the new man was wondering if I had mentioned him on the ol' blog. Which I hadn't, because it was eleventy-billion years ago since I wrote anything. But, since he seemed curious, I figured I should mention him.

I have a new boy. He is awesome :) He doesn't have the link to this, and doesn't know anything about it. So I can say WHATEVER I WANT TO. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!! But I won't. Cause he is in a category of his own in terms of respect towards me, and the consideration that he has shown. It is new (very new ... 5 weeks or so), but good. The kinda good that puts you at ease and makes you feel content. But not complacent. I am still on my toes, because that is just what I have to do. There isn't a hint of evil in him (except for the fact that he really is evil. just, in the good way this time). He has met a good portion of my friends cause of my birthday party, and everybody seems to be getting along. There is hope, folks. I am stunned. Stunned, I tell you! I think I may have gotten it right this time (but like I said ... early days)!!

Food is going to break me

2009-06-02T21:08:00.003-04:00

I gotta say, that I am damn glad that I live in North America where food is readily available. Every now and then I think about the areas of the world where staple foods (like rice) are coveted because they are scarce. So really, I have no right to bitch about this. It isn't going to stop me, but I don't really have the right.

For the last few months, I have been radically overhauling the way I eat. It's *not* a diet. (Did anyone else hear ARNOLD in their heads when they read that?) I am really changing my attitude towards food and they way I eat. But let me say that this whole eating healthy thing is really freakin' expensive!! I just got a relatively small package of brown rice lingune noodles for about $2.40. A package of plain old spaghetti or linguine would have cost about half that, and you get more than twice as much in the package. I changed the syrup that I use in the mornings for my Red River cereal from plain old Aunt Jemima, to a locally produced, organic 100% maple syrup. The price difference knocks me off my feet, but I have to admit that the taste is totatlly worth it.

I am also totally loving the cookies by Sweets from the Earth. They are vegan and full of goodness, but for 8 (albeit large) cookies, expect to shell out almost $7. Yowzas!

Fruit and veg? Don't even get me started. I am really aiming for that mythic 5-10 servings a day (I am consistently above 5, and getting better at 10), but man oh man that is a LOT of food! Not only to purchase, but to eat .... my plate overfloweth.

Good thing is that I am starting to feel healthier. My walks with the dog are getting longer (which may also have something to do with the warmer weather and sunlight - yay!) and my whole system just feels ... better.

It better be working, cause one of these days, my grocery bill is gonna give me a heart attack.

Pop culture addiction? Possibly ...

2009-05-27T14:44:00.008-04:00

A while ago (btw ... have I mentioned that my ability to gauge when things happened has gone to hell in a handbasket? I think it has something to do with working from home ... days just sorta start to ... fade together) I was talking with a friend (who reads this - Hi M!! ... and who I am sure will tease me mercilessly in the comments) who had a People magazine donated to her that day. Which in itself is not a blog-worthy thing. The funny part was when she was glancing at it and realised that she had very little clue as to who the hell this mag was talking about, and was very out of date on the "news" surrounding celebs. Heidi and Spencer? Megan Fox? Pink is separated? That chick from Black Eyed Peas is married????

I should mention, that Ms. M watches TV, and, as we all know, I eschew TV. However! That apparently does not stop me from knowing all the gory details about the lives and happenings of celebs. She randomly went thru the mag (which was a few weeks out of date) and I was shocked at my stupid ability to name not only the relevant pop culture reference (TV, music, movies - you get the idea) but also why that person was newsworthy at the moment. For reals. It was so freakin strange. And scary! I have never really been a celeb gossip follower. Lately, tho, my browsing history seems to contain a lot of sites dedicated to that sort of thing ... sites like PerezHilton (who I have given up cause he is just too nasty for my taste now), TMZ, People, MamaPop and others. I seriously think that I have given up a good percentage of my memory to random celeb facts. Memory that I could be using to retain things like math and how to do my job properly! I was going to give it all up, but I just can't seem to. Every time I open a browser to read something worthwhile (like the news or the weather or information on how to get my dog to stop trying to eat the cat food when I am not looking), I just automatically navigate to something trashy. It is like my mouse hand has a mind of her own ...

Ah well - everybody has to have a vice, I guess. And I would so much rather mine be this than something worse. Like cheese.

Sleeeeepy animals ... content Momma

2009-05-19T22:50:00.004-04:00

I walked Phoebe three times today for a total of just about 2 hours. The evening walk was actually a "power" walk (I hate that term ... makes me sound like a crazed mall walker or something), so she is good and tired now. I just glanced over to see the Pixelator snoozing in my chair, and Pheebes on the floor beside her. Both are konked out in a big way. Shortly I will head to bed to read, and Phoebe will head to the crate beside my bed. And, of course, Pixelcat will come up on the bed for head rubs and a snuggle at my feet.

Times like this I start to feel almost normal again. It has been a long time since I felt contentment. Finally my medication seems to be mostly sorted out (although it will likely be another week or two before I am sure of that), and life is returning to the way it was before I was taken over by naps and fatigue.

I totally just jinxed myself, didn't I .....

2009-05-17T21:16:00.001-04:00

One of my aunts emailed me today. It has been over a year I think since I spoke to anybody in my family. I guess the time has come that I will actually have to think of what I want and how much I want to let them in (and who, for that matter). I have been putting it off cause there was no interest or contact from them .... sigh.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-05-07T22:44:00.004-04:00

Changes. Lots. Starting with the layout (again). Seems like the other one wasn't so popular, so I made another change. In case you are wondering, I got bored with the green theme. It was just too dark - I wanted to lighten it up a little. How's the new look for ya? You will also notice that my Twitter feed is working again. Not sure what happened there ....

I also changed from vegetarian to vegan just over a month ago (during Earth Hour, actually). Why? Just cause I can, I guess. The decision was made much the same way I decided to go vegetarian: many moons saying that there would be no way in hell I could give up steak or ham or bacon or cheese or yogurt or whatever, and then suddenly realizing that giving up said gastronomical pleasures is exactly what I was about to do. Heading in to the Earth Hour event that I attended with my only other vegetarian friend, I had no real intention of becoming vegan, other than a passing interest. But one very interesting talk by a vegetarian-turned-vegan and ex-cheese-a-holic made a light bulb over my head go on. At that point I understood that really it was up to me to decide if it was what I *wanted* to do. Sounds simplistic, but it was an epiphany for me at the time .... By the next morning, I was making a plan to phase out the dairy and eggs in my fridge and go whole hog into veganism. This is not to say that I am going to be a fanatic about it. If I eat something that has some dairy or eggs in it I won't be offended. But I will do my best to avoid it. The major reason behind doing it (for me) is as simple as I have just managed to cut out most of the problematic foods in my world. It is suddenly much harder to eat emotionally, because the foods that I used to turn to are no longer on the menu. There are always versions of things like cheese and yogurt, but I don't think of them as being the same. There is never every going to be a substitute for a fantastic brie. Ever. But I know already that my arteries are thanking me, so it is worth it.

Another change is that I started new depression meds a few months ago (I know - I am behind on all the news). They, well ... they didn't go so well. I experienced a fatigue so all-encompassing that it made working very difficult. So difficult that I had to take the day off yesterday because I was ready to go back to bed by 8:30AM. Seriously. By 9:00AM I was asleep on the couch, and I didn't rise until 2:00PM. That is just not right!! So today I got a new medication prescription. Let's hope that it is better, cause otherwise it is going to make training for the 5K race I want to do very hard.

Hmm. Yes. 5K race. I have apparently lost my mind and decided to try taking up running. A few friends and I are going to try to do the 5K portion of the Toronto Marathon in October. I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to it, other than it fits in with certain health goals I have for myself. Goals like not following in the footsteps of my parents and getting sick or dying young (sorry for the downer moment, but it is true).

I think that is the big changes of late. I am sure I have missed something, but part of the problem with the brain meds is it feels like my brain is cloudy sometimes.

I hope that I will be updating more often. Apparently people start to wonder where I am when I go on radio silence for more than a few hours. :)

Long time no ... anything

2009-04-19T00:13:00.002-04:00

The massive project at work is so close to being done that I can almost taste the freedom. And the time off that I am so very much looking forward too. I am hoping that I will have more time for things like this once it is done.

In the meantime, check out the video in the sidebar (I really liked it ... not an upbeat topic, but a cool video nonetheless. Sorry it is cut off tho - hard to find a blogger template that will accomodate it).

Oh - and let me know what you think of the new look. It will likely change over the next little while as I play with the settings a bit. I *heart* free time to do things like that.

Um

2009-04-09T21:22:00.002-04:00

Ya. What she said. Except with less knitting and no firearms. And instead of "week", substitute "2 months". And with special attention to the part about friends :)

Love you lads and lassies, but my brain is mushy and that is all I gots in me right now.

Impromptu Poetry

2009-03-09T13:58:00.000-04:00

I was challenged by Podgy to write impromptu poetry. This, folks, is not a forte. It is certainly not something that I do on a regular basis, but I have been known to bang out a few lines or verses when the mood strikes.

These are not from today, but they were impromptu at the time. They are from the days when I was very stressed out looking for a new apartment last fall. Like most people, I find apartment hunting a horribly awful experience just because of all the uncertainty that comes with it. The stress was compounded by work stress, so I was working hard not to be cranky-pants all the time.

Here goes ....

A troubled path starts

when knowledge and compassion

pass the heart as ice.

The second, and the more positive of the two ...

Peace in many forms

can be most easily found

when you are you alone.

There you have it folks. Short, if not sweet. That is how I roll in the poetry world.

(I can't think of anybody to tag. I need more friends with blogs, I think.)

Mah brain, she is tired

2009-02-26T22:18:00.002-05:00

I keep trying to make the words come out all nice-like, but it ain't working. I am so much looking forward to this weekend and a chance to relaxify myself a little. I have some of Mah Girls coming over and that is the best thing ever. One more day and then I will have some time to recharge a little with good food and good company.

Two more sleeps!!!!!

I am way very out of it right now

2009-02-21T00:18:00.004-05:00

Remember when I was all bored and stuff and didn't have a whole lot to do at work for say, oh, three months or so? Apparently I am now being either punished or rewarded for that experience. I am not sure which.

A few weeks ago, I had a little chat with my new (and might I add, fabulous!! new boss) and told him that I what I really wanted was a nice challenge to sink my teeth into. I told him that the work that I had being doing was't using my skill set to the best advantage of either my career or the company. I told him that I wanted to work with people that I hadn't worked with before. Or in a very long time at least. A specific group of people that I had been wishing to work with, cause their projects are interesting and challenging and cool. Maybe not cool to you, but cool to me. Cause I am a geek.

So now .... oh the now. Now I have new. New team, new co-workers, new boss. New project, new challenge, new obstacles, new learning. And it is either going to be a great experience that has the potential to make my career (seriously ... if this goes well, my reputation will be solid), or I am going to fall flat on my face. I don't think it will be the second one, though, no matter how much it sometimes feels like it will be. The simple truth of the matter is that I am pretty good at what I do. So as long as I remember to keep asking questions, I should be ok.

I will, however, be veeerrrrryyyy busy for a while. Busy like I may never have been at work before. But, like I said, I wanted a challenge.

I done got one.

"It breaks my heart"

2009-02-13T21:07:00.005-05:00

Let's put aside the fact that I have some serious hormonal issues going on today and am crying because bugs are dying in some far off land or some crap like that.

Let's remember that tomorrow is Valentine's Day. No matter what you think of the occasion (cause love it, I sure as ass don't), the sentiment of the day is a good one. Love people. Celebrate your partners. ALL kinds of partners.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

To anybody reading this from California ... I really wish that the vote could have turned out differently for you. Hopefully there will be a way to fix the injustice that has been done.

(and to everyone else ... I promise not to be so sappy in the next post. like I said - hormones)

Home

2009-02-09T20:05:00.004-05:00

Monday evening, and I am able to sit outside for the first time this year. The temperature isn't warm, by any stretch of the imagination, but it is nice enough that I can sit on the balcony. Well, right now I am not so much sitting as getting up and down trying to get the hound used to the fact that I am outside and she is inside. Which is made harder by the fact that I actually have my laptop on my lap here in my nifty little folding chair (most comfortable folding chair ever, I might add).

My nifty chair is positioned so that I can sit and see south, with a little bit of west thrown in for good measure. I can imagine that once the trees across the street are green again, the view will be even better. I like to be able to look over the rooftops, so I am glad I didn' take an apartment on a lower floor. The balcony itself is actually quite nice, with a glass railing and frosted glass privacy walls in between units so that we can maximize the sunlight here.

I am having fun trying to picture what it will be like in the summer. I already have my eye on a little shrubbery, and am really looking forward to putting a cafe style table and chair set out here for the summer. Oooh!! Maybe even a barbeque!! I love to eat meals outside :) I also love to WORK outside, so that is going to be a huge bonus for me. Can you imagine!?! Wheee!! I have visions of flower pots galore (it is a pretty large balcony, so I can put a lot of them out here).

(side note - hands are getting cold - moving inside now)

Where was I ... oh ya. With the flowers. I love flowers!! The rooftop balcony at the other apartment was nice, but it certainly had its drawbacks. Here, I will have a space to myself. Wait. I need to repeat that. A space to myself. I can design it, sculpt it, change it. Yippee!!!

It is nice to be at home, not just "the apartment I live in". When I was outside looking in (physically, not metaphorically), I saw my stuff and it was comforting. Not because of the materialistic factor, but because my stuff is constant. Barring my ability to put somthing down and forget where with the speed at which an elf arrow flies*, I know where things are. And it is all my stuff. I make the choice what is here and what is not. This is a huge comfort after a period of such crappy uncertainty; a sense of control in an out of control kinda world. It's nice to wake up to the same things day after day. I am sure it will get old after a while, but the best part is that when it does, I can decide what to change and then change it. Wheeee!!!

Ahh (contented sigh). Life is pretty freakin good. Right now at this particular moment, everything is peachy. Just pray I don't run out of Kleenex again.

* that was for you Podgy :)

The whole fam damily

2009-02-09T11:36:00.008-05:00

For the past xx months (I would put a number there, but I have totally lost track) my allergies have been nuts. Not just a little nuts, but "I'm going to start buying stock in tissue manufacturers" kind of nuts.

I have had an allergy to dust mites for a long time now. Which is gross! Do you know what a dust mite looks like?!? I was going to post a picture here, but I think you all want to keep your breakfast down, so feel free to google it if you like. Lately, though, the allergies were getting a LOT worse. Just before Christmas, I went to my family doctor about it, because I was pretty sure that it wasn't just the dust mites anymore. By then I had moved into the new apartment (so, no more carpet) and was working from home 50% of the time (so, less of the dusty, recycled office air). And yet ... they didn't get better.

This morning was the big appointment with the allergist. For those of you who have never been to the allergist before, you can't take antihistamines for at least 48 hours before the testing. Since I ran out last Wednesday, I figured I could live for a few extra days without them. The first few days were tolerable. By Saturday afternoon I was cancelling plans. By this morning I wanted to chop my own head off. Badly.

The test themselves are skin tests. They put a little bit of the irritant on your skin, and then prick you with a pin thingy. A lot. A total of 43 times all up and down my forearms. I look like a freakin druggie. And then there are the needles!! 7 more needles with irritants in my upper arm. Whee! The fun!

Waiting in the, well, waiting room, I felt like I was going to scream because I was ITCHY all over my arms. Getting a tattoo on my wrist recently was easier than this*!! Finally the doctor took one look at me, and said "cats". You could have knocked me over with a feather (which I am not allergic to, as it turns out). I was expecting the positive result on dogs, but cats!?!?!? AAAAAAAAAA!! I have had cats almost all my life, and only in the past year or so has the allergy developed. Sigh. Oh, and not only cats, dogs and dust mites, but trees and grass too. Double sigh.

So now I see a lot more de-furring in my future, and better allergy medication. But no fewer animals. Cause I'll tell you now that my life ain't worth living without animals.

* See how I just dropped that in there? Hee.

Ha! I mock you with my laugh

2009-02-06T13:00:00.002-05:00

See?? SEE??!!?? I was just ahead of my time. Others are now starting to give up cable as an unnecessary expense too!! OK, maybe not their TVs yet, but that is coming. You wait!! HD my fat ass. All you need is a laptop and some DVDs, my friends.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/02/06/internet.tv/index.html

I am a trendsetter. Who knew? :)

Vegetarians ROCK!!

2009-01-27T15:38:00.002-05:00

Ok. I am not a fan of PETA (too radical for my taste ... and that sea kittens thing? lame!). I am a fan of both vegetables and vegetarians. Seeing as, you know ... I am one. Vegetarian, that is. Well, sometimes I am a vegetable too. Like on Mondays, for example.

But I digress.

Apparently this ad was supposed to be run during the Super Bowl, but the station said no. Apparently they think it is just tooo ...... well. I will let you decide for yourself what it is.

*warning!!!! NSFW!!*

Huh. Not as much as I thought.

2009-01-27T13:10:00.004-05:00

Quick Fun Facts:
378470 unique people have taken this test.
Based on my unique answers...
29.8% of test takers are gals,68.4% are guys,...the rest (1.8%) are confused.
15.5% of test takers get aroused by "iPhone," while36.9% get utterly ill.
32.2% of all test takers would choose the Internet over sex, and26.6% of married test takers prefer the Internet over sex.
Only 4.5% of test takers own a Jar Jar Binks t-shirt, though 49.7% of them don't own a lightsaber (priorities == messed up).

Just when I think I have a handle on things

2009-01-20T22:38:00.002-05:00

What do I do?? I go to a sales conference with the company I work for. And then the after party. Cause there is *always* an after party.

I burn through my drink tickets (3 of 'em ... got an extra few cause I know the admins all through the company) and "Mr. X" asks if he can buy me a drink when I run out of free drinks. We are really, really hitting it off. If he lived a little closer, I would really be interested. He is cute, employed and not a psychopath. A very good combination, if you ask me. Problem? NOT the first guy I flirted with tonight. Also? Does not live close. Also? Did I mention CO-WORKER??? I am screwed.

Damn.

The truth about advice

2009-01-15T21:27:00.006-05:00

Here is a truth universally accepted: Advise is easier to give than to follow.

I am a font of useful information when people ask. You want an opinion? Sure thing!! I gots tons of 'em. But when it comes to following my own damn advice, I freeze up.

Case in point - A friend has been trying the online dating thing, and I keep nudging her to just be brave and respond to guys. "What is the worst that can happen", I say. When I am speaking about HER life, the worst that can happen is that one of you isn't interested. BUT! When it comes to me, the worst that can happen is that he won't be interested in me. He will find me fat and unappealing and gross and ugly and not funny in the least and all my worst suspicions about myself will be true and proven and I will go have to live in a cave somewhere so that I do not subject myself on human-kind anymore. Drama queen much? Why, yes thanks! Don't mind if I do.

So, what happened today that makes me feel the need to share this tidbit with you? I was perusing a dating site, and got an IM from a guy. Well, pluck me bald and call me drafty! Instead of responding to his "Hi - how are ya?", I had no idea what to do or say at that moment. It was like every single ounce of intelligence that I possess suddenly left the building along with Elvis, and I was rendered stupid. Really very stupid. I had to call my friend up and get her reassurance that I was not going to die on the spot because I was chatting with a guy, and that I really would get through the experience. I believe there was a reference to the state of my sanity at some point, but that is old news folks. Old news indeed.

I am not brave. Sometimes I play brave on TV, but when it all comes down to it, I am a big pile of shy and insecure. One of these days I would really really like to settle into a life with a human male and maybe make a little human of our own. But since that is not likely to happen from the comfort of my couch (at least not yet ...) I am pretty sure that I need to get braver and put myself out there.

Hey - anybody out there got a cute brother they feel like setting me up with? I am only slightly damaged, but I can cook and I am kinda cute.

100 Things about ME!

2009-01-08T22:10:00.009-05:00

When I saw Miss Banshee do this, I thought to myself "Self? Can you think of 100 unique things about you? Is this going to be an exercise in how boring you are?" Then I kicked that self in the ass for negative thinking, and decided to give it a go.

100. I have a name. No, I am not going to publish it here.

99. Age: 34

98. Height: 5'9"

97. Eyes: blue

96. My eyes turn a really cool shade of blue when I have been crying. (Side note: sometimes it is worth seeing me cry just to see the really neat colour.)

95. I have one brother.

94. We don't speak anymore.

93. I graduated high school in 1993.

92. I went to college.

91. I graduated college with a diploma in Hospitality and Tourism Administration.

90. My first job out of college was in tourism, and I didn't use a single thing I learned at college.

89. I don't work in tourism any more.

88. Even though I dye my hair blond, I am actually a natural blond. Just not a nice shade of blond.

87. I never took typing in high school. If you see me type, you can totally tell that.

86. The worst course I ever took in high school was drafting. Cause I was the only girl.

85. Math and I have never gotten along.

84. I am actively working to improve my relationship with math.

83. There are over 40 blogs on my reader.

82. I have a dog. Her name is Phoebe.

81. I have a cat. Her name is Pixel.

80. I have a fish. He is a male, blue Betta named Fish.

79. I have run out of things to name male, blue Betta fish.

78. I think this is my 7th male, blue Betta fish.

77. My first job was babysitting.

76. I was very good at it.

75. My first "real" job was in a pet store.

74. I was very good at that too, but brought my work home with me. A lot.

73. My 16th birthday present from my parents was a Leopard Gecko.

72. I named her Pandora.

71. My first cat was Poco.

70. Phoebe is a Catahoula Leopard dog. I seem to have a few pet themes going on here.

69. My first kiss was at age 14.

68. I have been married.

67. I am now divorced.

66. I have no kids.

65. I reeeeeeally want kids.

64. When I first applied to college, I wanted to be a social worker.

63. When I went to the info session for the social worker program, I knew I wasn't going to be be able to do it.

62. Other careers that I have (seriously) considered over the course of my life include: architect, teacher, dog trainer, lawyer. Only time will tell if one of them actually happens.

61. One summer I managed to work 4 jobs at the same time.

60. I get very cranky if I don't get enough sleep.

59. I went to music camp one summer. No, not Band Camp.

58. When I was 4, I took a class for highland dance.

57. When I was 14, I took another class for highland dance.

56. From the age of 4 to 14, I took classes for jazz dance.

55. I love to dance.

54. I never said I was good at it.

53. I pretend I can knit. Mostly, I just like to make scarves.

52. I love baking.

51. I also love cooking.

50. I have been a vegetarian since I was 22.

49. I wasn't a vegetarian for about 4 months last year. Just cause.

48. I actually really like being a vegetarian.

47. One of my favourite foods is broccoli. Yes, broccoli.

46. I hate the sound of the vacuum.

45. I think horror movies are the best!

44. I have a crush on someone.

43. I think that Joss Whedon is brilliant. Also, insane. Did I mention brilliant?

42. When I was a kid, I was so scared of "Dr. Who" that I was afraid to go near the TV to change the channel when he came on after the muppets.

41. I got over that fear and now really like "Dr. Who".

40. I own inline skates.

39. I can ice skate.

38. I can't ski.

37. I can sorta swim. But only backstroke.

36. When I swim the breaststroke, it is always diagonal.

35. I took a swimming class when I was 29.

34. I have never broken a bone (that I know of ... possibly one toe).

33. I am starting to not be sure what to write on this list.

32. I am wondering if anybody is reading this list still.

31. I am single.

30. I am starting to really enjoy being single.

29. I love coffee.

28. I like tea even more than coffee.

27. My mom taught me to play cribbage.

26. One time when we were playing cribbage, she made me laugh so hard that I splurted hot chocolate out my nose.

25. One of my favourite smells is burning wood.

24. I prefer a fire pit to a fire place.

23. I have never fired a gun.

22. I have held an AK47.

21. I have been to Nicaragua.

20. I have also been to Italy, Switzerland and France. And the U.S.

19. Mostly I like to travel within Canada.

18. Half of my family is from Scotland and the other half is from Newfoundland. It means I have a wicked temper sometimes.

17. I have 5 piercings, all in my ears.

16. I have 3 tattoos.

15. I want (and will be getting) more. Tattoos. Not piercings.

14. I am looking forward to 2009.

13. I would really like to learn archery.

12. I am hoping that one day I will have the nerve to go skydiving.

11. My great grandmother used to call me Shirley. She was over 90 years old, so she could call me whatever she wanted. She also brought me chocolate every time she saw me.

10. Chocolate. I love it.

9. I never met a shoe store I didn't like.

8. I don't buy designer stuff. I don't know why ...

7. I am not afraid to boycott stores that annoy me. Yes, I do know that they don't "feel" a one-person boycott, but ...

6. I believe that one person can make a difference.

5. I am a skeptical optimist. Is that even possible?

4. I am a Leo.

3. I was born in the year of the Tiger.

2. I love and appreciate all my friends.

1. I am astounded that I managed to finish this list.

Happy New Year!!!

2009-01-01T00:00:00.003-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

No .... really. Many (if not most) of the people I know and love are really wanting 2008 to be over. It has not exactly been a stellar year, has it?

Well, as of NOW it is officially over, and we are all on to bigger and better. Or at least new. Definitely new.

Love and hugs to all,

Merpy Chrismukah!

2008-12-26T22:12:00.002-05:00

I can't freakin' WAIT for 2009! The past few years have been so nutsy that I am dearly hoping for something that comes close to an average life in the new year.

Lately my existence has been about the dog. Phoebe has separation anxiety. Badly. She apparently barks insanely whenever I leave the apartment. Which, needless to say, is pissing off the neighbours. So, I am confined until further notice. Well, that isn't entirely true. I get to leave in increasing increments while I teach her that it is OK for mummy to leave - the world will not, in fact, end. I *am* coming back.

I also, when the vet's professional opinion concurred with my thoroughly not-professional but fairly Internet savvy opinion, made the decision to medicate her. Yes, my dog also has The Crazy and is on meds for it. Sigh. But I was reassured that it was the right decision (and got a little warm, fuzzy feeling) when she told me that not a lot of people would go to the lengths that I am going to in order to keep this kind of dog. Also that if I did have to give her up, she thought that Phoebe would be in and out of the pound for the rest of her life. The vet may have had a hidden agenda by telling me this (i.e. keeping another dog out of the pound), but I actually believe her. Phoebe is capital letters NOT EASY. As much as I love her, she should never have been allowed to be adopted out to me based on her breed alone. Every dog-related website in creation states that "Catahoula Leopard Dog is not a city dog". But unless someone shows up and offers to give her a great home on a farm, there is no way I am giving her up.

So, here I am. Again. Training the heck out of this dog and making adjustments to my life. But as I am likely never to have kids of my own (yes yes yes ... I know I am "only" 34 and I still have years ahead of me for kids, but let's face it: I got no man and no immediate prospects for a man, so kids could be a teensy bit difficult to create). This dog, for now, is my fuzzy substitute for one. My fuzzy, crazy, nutbar, lovable, hyper, ADHD-afflicted, totally endearing child substitute.

Holiday Cheer

2008-12-22T21:00:00.004-05:00

I don't got any. Holiday cheer, that is. I wasn't expecting it to be this hard this year, but it really is. Some days I'm just going through the motions. Spending time with friends (that I love dearly and who are making this year bearable), making cookies, decorating the tree (and even remembering to turn the lights on sometimes) and braving the malls and shops to get that last gift or 6 knocked off my list. But it feels hollow. There is so much missing. Christmas hasn't really been the same since my Mom died, and that is almost 18 years ago now. Ever since then, it was a shadow of a holiday gone by (which may be why I like Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol so much). After she died, the rest of us may have been in the same house most years, but that is it. There was usually more TV than conversation or real enjoyment of the company we were in.

I know I am not alone in feeling blah at this time of year. On a pretty much daily basis I read the mental health columnists and bloggers that I follow and they are all saying the same basic thing right now: when you suffer from depression, the holidays can be extremely difficult. Part of me wants to bury myself in blankets and not come out until every last Santa and jingle is put away for the year. But I know I have to find new ways to make the holidays fun for myself. And by myself. This will be the second year in a row that I will wake up to nobody on Christmas morning, and that sucks. It sucks huge. I need to remember, though, that it is what you make of it. If I choose to wallow, then I am going to have a crappy Christmas. This year I choose to make the best of it. I will be celebrating with an" interesting" bunch of people (some of whom I get along with better than others), but it will include my 8 month old pnefew, who always makes Crazy Aunt Leslie smile.

You probably have 5 minutes to spare today

2008-12-19T06:43:00.001-05:00

Why not waste it??? :)

A post about nuffink

2008-12-18T20:07:00.003-05:00

I give up. Nature has taken her toll, and my hair has paid the price. I can't deal with the grey anymore, and am dying it back to blond at the first possible opportunity. I was trying desperately to grow it out, and have already paid a decent sum of cashola to get it darker (as in closer to my natural colour) so that it was easier to grow out, and I would therefore have healthier hair and all that jazz. But I can't do it. The grey is a constant reminder that I am getting old, and apparently I am not ready to face that. Plus, blonds do have an awful lot of fun. So there.

About to be really honest with you

2008-12-17T19:17:00.006-05:00

The picture below was taken on October 10th by a guy (and his girlfriend ... this doesn't go anyplace good) who really liked the look of Phoebe and who, I suspect, was totally enamoured with his new iPhone. He asked if he could take a picture of the dog. This, while strange, is not the first time this has happened, so I said yes. What harm is there in that? Little did I know, until he emailed it to me, that he took a pic of the BOTH of us. Yikes! First off, this is NOT an outfit that I would wear anywhere but to walk the dog. It is comfy and stretchy and the shoes are OK if she walks all over them or gets them dirty, cause they are old-ish.

So, he took the picture and emailed it to me and I never heard from him again. But I was so shocked when I saw it. Is that *really* what I look like??? Aparently, it is. Aside from the fact that I am chubby again (yo-yo anyone??), what shocked me was my posture. That is not standing tall by any stretch of the imagination. But this must be what I project to people.

It was interesting to see this picture because it was a true candid. I had no idea that any part of me would be captured. I was even standing with my feet apart so that they would not appear behind Phoebe's butt (in case you are wondering why I was standing like that).

The email that I got with the pic has been sitting in my inbox since then because moving the email seems like an admission that it exists, and I don't like that. This is not a flattering picture! When I first got it, I was all "Oooh! I have to lose some weight!!". That was October 10. What changes did I make? None! Not one. Why? Cause I was packing and getting ready to move and it was too much to worry about at the time. Then I was moving and unpacking, and it was too much to worry about at the time. Then I was getting organized and starting to get really serious about training Phoebe, and it was too much to worry about at the time. And now? Well it is the holidays, and it is too much to worry about at this time. See a pattern? Bugger that! I went last week and joined Curves. And then yesterday I added some exercise at home for the days when I can't get to Curves (cause it really is not realistic when I have been at the office all day to then leave Phoebe again to go to the gym. I *heart* teleworking, however, and will go on the days I work from home). Cause there are always going to be excuses. Always. What there is never going to be is more time. My family does not have a good track record for living long, healthy lives. One grandpa died in his mid 60's, and the other in his early 70's. My Dad's Mom died in her late 60's (I think). My Mom died at 45, and Dad had a massive stroke at 63. An uncle has died in his early 70's. These numbers scare the shit out of me because they are well below national averages. When Dad has his stroke, the research I did suggested he was young for that type of stroke.

But instead of fixing the problem, I am continuing to wallow in my own bad habits. Ask me how much holiday baking I consumed today. Why? Cause I was bored. Work is slow before the holidays, but I was tied to my computer nonetheless. So, I ate. As I always do. Ate, and read.

As easy as it is to say "I have to make changes", making them is a completely different story. I honestly don't know what is going to happen now. But I will let you know.

Posts like ...

2008-12-17T15:50:00.003-05:00

.... this one are why I am really going to miss Torontoist when it shuts down at the end of the year. Boo!

How else I am going to get my quota of strange and wonderful Toronto goings on!?!?!? I ask you!!

(p.s. if you watch the video, I dare you to tell me that little guy wasn't the most awesome-est thing you have seen all day.)

Endorphins ... who knew?

2008-12-15T10:30:00.004-05:00

I went to the gym this morning (did I tell you I joined a gym? I did. I joined Curves last week. Yay me!) in the crabbiest of crabby moods. Monday morning, raining, dark, icky and I want to be on holidays already! It is a about a 10 minute walk over and about half way there, a bus drove by and did not even pretend to slow down for the really large puddle on the road. Sidewalks in that area are right beside the road so I got drenched. Icky road water in my hair, my ear, all over my jacket and my gym bag. At this point the crabby turned into me swearing at the bus driver and shaking my fist in his/her general direction*. Not good.

But! By the time I was done my workout and heading to the bus stop (I had already walked the dog and worked out and felt I deserved to be dry on the way home), a funny thing had happened. I wasn't crabby anymore! So, I walked home. Even the drizzle wasn't dampening my mood (haha! rain jokes!). Course, then I got home and logged in and remembered all the BS that I would likely face today and some of the endorphins wore off ... Ah, well. Such is life.

Happy Monday all!!

* Yes, this actually happened. Usually I try to control my swearing out in public cause you never knowwhat little ears are listening, but this really got the better of me. I must have looked insane!

It's amazing what happens when your head comes out of the sand

2008-12-13T22:09:00.010-05:00

"The Ex" called me just over a week ago and it freaked me out to the very core of my being.

I am not even sure why I am writing about it now except to say that I am OK. Which is kinda cool.

When the phone rang, I was certainly not expecting it to be him and it took me a few sentences to clue in. The reason he was calling is totally unimportant (especially as it was a load of hogwash). The effect that it had on me is.

For the entirety of the conversation (which lasted anywhere between 4 minutes and 30 minutes - I am still fuzzy about that part), I was composed and articulate, which pleases me because I didn't show weakness. After I hung up the phone, I totally dissolved into spasms of body-wracking tears. It was horrible ... for about half an hour. I called a good friend and she listened patiently while I recounted the conversation (as much as I could recall) and we walked through how I was feeling. Truth is that while I felt broken again for a bit, I recovered pretty quickly. I think it was just the shock of hearing from him that did me in. It did throw off the rest of the day a bit, but I dusted myself off and went to the pub for a beer and a burger. Getting in some Christmas shopping afterward helped too.

Somehow in the last 16 months I have come to an understanding with myself about my inherent self-worth. I have come to realise that, wow ... I have some. (Please forgive the fact that this next bit is going to sound sappy out the wazoo.) All my life, I had fake self-esteem. Shy and geeky, I never had a lot of friends, and always had trouble keeping the ones I made cause communication was not a talent of mine. Well, I overcame the shyness (no shit, eh??) and learned to have friends and life is sooooo much better now. Yay!

All this gave me the ability to speak to him with strength in my voice and words. One of the things I do remember him asking is if I hate him. Without pausing, I told him the truth. I told him that it depends on the day you ask me: sometimes I feel sorry for him, and sometimes I really do hate him.

I am hopeful now that he will hear my new strength and that I will NEVER. HEAR. FROM. HIM. AGAIN.

Straight No Chaser - 12 Days

2008-12-13T20:35:00.002-05:00

Christmas is almost here!!! Wheeee!!! Pretty lights, pretty tree ... time for some pretty music sung by some pretty men :)

Strange beasts

2008-12-09T20:44:00.004-05:00

I was assured, through the wonderful that is LOLCATS, that there are many cats out there that lurve broccoli. Being the skeptic that I am, I had to test this. So, of course, I went to the fridge and extracted a small floret to give to the fatcat. She dutifully sniffed at it, and then looked at me like I had grown a third ear or something. The hound, however, was more than interested. Since it had just recently been in close proximity to the carrots, she was greatly curious. The result? She happily took it from me, chewed it a bit, played with it a bit, and dropped it somewhere in favour of her beef knuckle. Sorry Ms. Townsend, but yes. Beef Knuckle. I am sufficiently grossed out myself, but what can I say ... I lurves my fatcat and hell hound!

Famous for being famous

2008-12-08T18:58:00.005-05:00

I was doing my usual daily perusal of the news and whatnot today, and came across one topic a few times, in different sources (sources which may or may not rhyme with "meeple pagazine" and "hermezpilton"). Lily Allen is quoted as saying:

"I have no intention of taking drugs again at the moment. But I can't say 'Never again,' because I don't know where I'll be in 10 years' time. And I will definitely drink in the future, just not for awhile."

I have to admit that other than being famous for being a famous party girl, I don't have a clue who she is. I have seen clips of her very, very (really very) intoxicated at various events and awards shows, but that is all I know her for. The comment above was made in reaction to some comic strip where she was depicted as some drunk clown, and it made her decide she didn't want to be seen as that person. I am all for a good 'ol fashioned wake up call, and anyone getting sober is good in my books. But!!! What I don't understand is how the above quote is getting so much play!!! Does nobody see the harm statements like this do? What she has basically said is that yes, she does/did drugs, and she does/did drink to excess a lot. Great role model, eh? It gets worse, though, because instead of seeing that this is not really a good existence and harmful to her health (um, Amy Winehouse anyone???), she is saying that "well, it isn't really all that good for my image, so I am going to give it up for now".

This frustrates the bejeezus out of me.

2008-12-05T22:49:00.002-05:00

It should come as no surprise that I have been thinking about Christmas lately. It would be more shocking if I wasn't, I think ...

I lived in the same house from the time I came home from the hospital until I was almost 9, when we moved to a house in the same school district, but a newer neighbourhood. I didn't leave that house until I moved in with my boyfriend (and future ex-husband) when I was almost 23. Together we lived in that first apartment for about 4 years, and in our condo for another 4 1/2 years, when we split up in September 2005. (I bet you are thinking "sweet baby jebus in the manger, get to the part about Christmas, please, before I fall asleep in my eggnog!". Not to worry ... I have a point.)

What occurred to me today was that I have not spent Christmas in the same apartment/house two years in a row since 2004. Given the stability that I had becomed so accustomed to, you can see why this is cause for pause and consideration! I am dearly hoping that even though my new apartment is not the place I plan to live out my days in, I can be here for at least a few years and feel like I am home, not just "at my apartment".

I put up my little tree today (that isn't the same one as I used to have), with new decorations and new-as-of-last-year lights in my new little apartment while the new dog sniffed around and generally made a nuisance of herself.

But for all that changes, some things stay the same.

Almost before I was finished, Pixel was under the tree and lying down on the tree skirt, the same as she has done every single year since I adopted her in 2003. It made me happy to have that little bit of the expected, when I least expected it. I smiled as I watched her curl up and have a nap. I turned off all the lights in the apartment and just enjoyed the twinkle of the tree and my sleepy, purry, furry, pudgy cat. And then the hound make me laugh and the moment was over, but that was ok because I knew that there will be more.

There are a sad little 10 decorations (plus the lights) on my little tree. I am resisting the urge to go out and buy more to fill it all up and make it all pretty because I want to have ornaments that mean something to me ... so that next year, when I look at my little tree, I will remember where that 11th ornament came from. I want to make new traditions, even if I am the only one that marks them or enjoys them.

Politicky

2008-12-04T23:08:00.006-05:00

As someone who lurves a good debate, I am having some fun with the recent political happenings here in the Great White North.

Turns out that I don't agree with some of my good friends about the coalition government and the value that I feel it has in our political system. I am not really all that happy that it has come down to the options we are now facing, because I think that the timing is disastrous. But it has happened, and from what I have been reading, it is representative of what the majority of Canadians feel (which is the whole and entire point of this, isn't it??). Not everybody is happy to see Harper facing the loss of the office of the PM. But a lot of people are. A lot of people, including myself, do not share his priorities. That is not to say that I think he is a bad person or a bad politician. I just don't agree with him.

I am not a conservative (which if you have EVER met me should be totally obvious). I never will be. Are conservatives wrong? No - they have the right to their opinions the same as everybody else. But for some reason I feel like the people who don't support Harper are being ganged up on by those who do. Like we are wrong in their minds. There is no right and wrong in politics. There are opinions. Every time you vote, you cast an opinion. If you don't exercise your right to vote, you forfeit your opinion and, consequently, your right to bitch afterwards of you don't like the result.

My Dad was a lobbyist for the latter portion of his career. He spent a lot of time around politicians and spent a lot of time debating his position. As a result, my brother and I are pretty good at expressing our opinion (just ask my ex-husband ... he almost never won an argument once I figured out his arguing style, the poor man) and we have a LOT of them (but I make a concerted effort never to force my opinions on people, and I hope I succeed). Dad taught us that voting is an important part of both citizenship and adulthood. It was unforgivable to him to not vote, and I tend to agree. Although I almost never see the person I voted for elected, I am always glad that I got that opportunity. And I figure if I vote enough times, and debate my opinions clearly enough with people, maybe change will happen.

... albeit slowly ......

I don't even know how to intro this!

2008-12-03T10:46:00.003-05:00

Other than to say .... watch it!!! It is a little NSFW, however :)

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

That newfangled Canadian maths

2008-12-01T20:10:00.005-05:00

I just need to get one thing off my chest ....

Ok. Harper is a goober. I didn't vote for him and I would not be sad to see him ousted. That is less of a care to me at this particular moment than clearing up the fact that since he has a minority government, that means MORE PEOPLE DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIM THAN DID!!!

Aaaah. I feel better now. Hopefully all those other goobers who keep telling Layton and Dion that "people don't want you" will read this and get off their mathematically challenged high horses.

Thank you for listening and good night.

(P.S. will someone tell my brain that NaBloPoMo is over??)

My inner geek, she is happy :)

2008-12-01T15:20:00.001-05:00

(courtesy of damomma.com)

A Month of NaBloPoMo (more or less)

2008-11-30T08:17:00.000-05:00

Well, as NaBloPoMo wraps up, I have to say it was fun and challenging. I don't know that I could keep this up forever, but I certainly had a good time and remembered that I used to really love to write (hey ... I never said I was good at it, just that I like it!).

Blogging is a narcissistic exercise most of the time. It assumes that other people want to read about you. Or the things you care about, I guess. However, since I have so much fun reading the blogs of others, I have to assume (hope?) that someone gets at least a bit of a kick out of this one.

I am hoping that I can get a little more interesting as the months pass. There are a few things that I want to try, and if I actually get to do them, they should make for some interesting posts. I am working on my plan for 2009. Now that things are stabilizing (or mostly stabilized), I think it is time to have some more fun, don't you?? Course, I have said that before and then things de-stabilize, but you can't wait for perfection, can ya.

Since tomorrow is December (btw ... how the heck is it December already??), for all you Christmas freaks out there, this one is for you :)

(In case you care, the music is the Trans Siberian Orchestra - Wizards in Winter. I also highly recommend checking out youtube for some other great TSO-inspired lights. There is one house that has done at least three songs that I can find. Enjoy!)

While you were all out living ...

2008-11-29T21:23:00.003-05:00

... I reorganized my iTunes and taught the dog a new command ("dance", in case you are curious). I need to get out more :)

Cookies!!

2008-11-28T20:33:00.004-05:00

Oh ya ... I made some. And they are AWESOME!! All the goodness of peanut butter, with none of the unknown ingredients of store-bought cookies! Yay!

So here is the "recipe" (not sure it is even a recipe it is so simple):

1 cup organic, pure PB (as in just peanuts ... nothing else)
1/2 cup sugar (or Splenda - I am told this works just as well)
1 egg
jam

Are you waiting for the rest? Cause that is IT!!

Combine the sugar and the egg and whisk it up a bit.
Add in PB and stir well.
Roll into balls about 1" in diameter, depending on how big you want them.
Make an indentation in the middle of each and insert a little bit of your jam of choice (I used a lovely organic cherry jam).
Bake at 350 degrees for about 12 minutes. Let cool for a moment and then transfer to a plate and chill in the fridge to help them set.

I swear ... that is it!! I am sure that the genius who gave me the recipe could add to that ... would she care to in comments??

BTW, you don't have to make them all hoity-toity with the organic natural PB. I just like it better ... less sugar and other stuff in it.

I haven't done the math, but I imagine that these would have a decent amount of protein in them. For a cookie, that is. But watch out cause they would also have a lot of fat, what with all the PB. Can't eat too many at once, but they are yum! I managed to make 16 cookies out of it, but I think I made them a tad too big. I would aim for at least 20 next time.

Enjoy!!

P.S. This also made the dog bonkers. She wandered around endlessly wondering when it was her turn for some PB :)

New theory

2008-11-27T20:41:00.005-05:00

Throughout my life, "junk" food has been scarce in my house. Early on, everything was a competition with my little brother to eat it before he did, from the Honey Nut Cheerios first thing in the morning to the Girl Guide cookies once a year to the ... well, you get the picture. Later in life, with my now-ex-husband, we didn't have it in the house at all cause it wasn't good for us (read: he didn't want me to gain any more weight). The result of this is that I have always viewed cookies, chips, candy and the like as a treat or an indulgence, rather than as a part of my day. There is nothing to say that a few healthy cookies (such as homemade organic peanut butter cookies or some dark chocolate covered almonds) every day is bad. In moderation, of course. I am making a concerted effort to fill my cupboards with local produce and organics foodstuffs. Part of that will now include some "junk" food every week, I think. I want to change my mentality from "binge on junk" to "have a little every day as you want" and see if that helps with the cravings.

My food binges, I should explain (and this is me being a kind of honest I wasn't sure I was capable of), have always taken a what I understand to be a relatively common form: eating a lot of food at once just because it is there, buying chocolate or other foods and eating a bunch all at once (never in front of people), and really not being able to stop even when I am full because I am not yet satisfied. And always there is some form of hiding the evidence (I used to be very adept at hiding wrappers in tissues or paper towels). Mostly this happens when I am feeling emotionally low or stressed out. Many times when I seem to eat a normal portion when I am with people, I eat more later on. I remember that when I was with my ex, I used to "rebel" by buying a chocolate chip muffin (one of the realllly bad for you ones that they make in store) every week when I did the shopping. By the time I got from the store to the subway platform to go home, the muffin was pretty much gone. That way I could throw out the wrapper on the way home and nobody was the wiser. This pattern has stayed with me. I will often be on my way somewhere and pick up a chocolate bar or a donut to eat on the way, that way there is no evidence. (As I am writing this, I am shaking my head at myself wondering how I didn't see this before ... how stupid this behaviour is.)

The key to me losing weight and keeping it off is going to have to be finding a way to change my emotions associated with food. As part of that, I am going to use some of the techniques I use to manage my depression. The main one is to re-frame my emotions when I feel the need to eat when I am not hungry. I think this is similar to the technique that was used by the author of Confessions of a Carb Queen* (BTW ... I LOVE HER!! I have read this book twice now, and think she is one brave soul and a fantastic writer). She used HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) whenever she felt the urge to eat when not hungry; or worse, binge.

My next read is going to be Locker Room Diaries. I have been following Leslie Goldman's blog for a while now (URL has changed and for some reason I have trouble linking it, but here is the "old" one) and there is something about reading not only the posts she writes but also the comments from others that I find enjoyable and inspiring. Plus, it has lead me to other cool sites, such as Cranky Fitness (Cranky and Merry crack me up :) ).

Ok. I am totally rambling now. Must be the tail end of my cold getting to me. Suffice it to say that I went for groceries today and now have a kitchen full of goodness and plan to make cookies tomorrow. If they work out, I will post the recipe and give props to the person who gave it to me.

KTHXBAI!

* OMG!! How did I not know she had a blog!?!?!?

Yet another reason to hate Canadian cell providers

2008-11-26T16:57:00.003-05:00

One of the few things that keeps me amused throughout the day is the tweets my friends post. I have some really awesome and witty friends, in case I haven't mentioned that before, and it is always nice to get a laugh in the middle of an especially hard day.

Well, that is ended now (the tweets, not the friends). Check out http://status.twitter.com/post/61703653/canadian-sms-service

If I knew how to post the page, I would, but I don't so I won't cause I am sick and my brain isn't working.

I has a sick

2008-11-25T18:47:00.003-05:00

And it sucks. I caught a cold / sinus thing from my pnefew. I have spent most of the day trying to find that perfect position to sleep in, but that doesn't clog up my head. It isn't working so well so far. I am also not really used to the heat in here yet (in the new apartment, I mean). It be very warm in here, so my preference to get under the covers and snuggle with the cat isn't happening this time.

Oh well. It will be over soon (hopefully!!).

Mixed feelings

2008-11-24T17:15:00.000-05:00

The hell hound and I are in obedience class. 8 weeks of Sunday mornings (or an hour of them at any rate) given over to the effort of making my dog more socialized and better behaved. Yesterday was our second class.

The first class was mostly introductions and a few basic concepts, with the homework to practice 2 new commands. Pretty easy.

Yesterday we worked on what was apparently one of the two major reasons that people signed up for the class: walking. (BTW, the other was that a lot of the class is having trouble with their dogs behaving badly when alone in the house/apartment. Why does nobody get it that dogs are OK with being crate trained?!?!)

Ah, walking. This is the last and worst major problem that the hell hound has, and is the main reason, in fact, that I refer to her as the hell hound. She is very, very bad at it. She is so bad at it that the kind people at the Toronto Humane Society where I got her were having a lot of trouble walking her and warned me that it would take some effort to deal with the problem. I have tried variations on leashes, collars, harnesses and head harnesses that would make your head (and wallet) spin. I have tried behavioural conditioning. I have tried treats. And talking / not talking to her as we walked. I have read innumerable web sites and some books on the subject. And I have cried. It is so frustrating to not be able to explain to your dog why this is so important!! She pulls so hard that she once broke a choker collar. I was not happy about getting it in the first place, but given my determination to overcome this problem, it tried it. She pulls so hard that I have fallen on ice, and that my back has been hurt on more than one occasion. She scares other dogs, and their humans, becuase she inevitably reaches the end of her leash and comes across as either lunging or snarling (or both). She trips me when she crosses in front of me with no warning. I have laid sprawled on the ground on the streets of Toronto because of this dog. Needless to say, nothing has worked.

Lately I have been using a head harness on her, and that works to an extent. But she still pulls so hard that I am afraid that she will hurt her neck, and she has rubbed off a lot of the fur on her poor little nose.

I wish, really, that I could get into her little brain and see why she is pulling. I think it is just that it goes against her instinct as a hunter. If she had been trained properly as a puppy, this would maybe not be the problem that it is now.

What I am trying to say, however wordily, is that I have had to use my absolute last resort, and have made the switch to a prong collar.

For those not familiar with this, here is what one looks like:

It looks like an instrument of torture, doesn't it???? I have, obviously, very mixed feelings on this device. While it works (woah NELLY! It works!!) I feel like I am somehow shirking my responsibility to get her to walk properly without it. Never mind that none of the trainers I have met with for advice so far have had any success either, and that I only got it on the advise of the trainer we are working with now. But still. I feel like when I walk down the street and the hound is wearing it, that I have somehow stigmatized both my dog and myself. My in-my-head image when I think of prong collars is gangsters (and wanna-bes) with stocky, badly trained dogs, just chomping at the bit to prove their "manliness". I am afraid that people will be afraid of Phoebes, even though at heart she is a suck. I mean, this is the almost-50 pound dog who just loves to be in my lap with her head on my shoulder, or on the floor with her head in my lap. She spends more time lying on my feet than she does in her own dog bed. She misses the cat when they aren't in the same location!!!

I am desperately hoping that this works. I am hoping even more desperately that she will calm down with age and that the collar won't be necessary forever.

Wish us luck, and send doggy biscuits.

Fatcat update

2008-11-23T09:50:00.000-05:00

I totally forgot to mention yesterday that the Schmixel seems to be over her problems with the litter box. It seems that after the move I had it too close to the heat, and the smell was getting to her. I moved the box and all has been well since then. Course, it is not in the most hidden location anymore, but I will deal with it.

Aaaaand We're Back!

2008-11-22T21:37:00.005-05:00

HI! How are ya? Did ya miss me? No, you didn't, cause only like 3 people read this :)

So, here's the deal. I am chubby again. I went and gained back a lot of weight (almost 20 pounds in less than a year). For once and for ever, I want to get a handle on my emo eating. Cause eventually this is going to lead to bigger problems for me. I think what I am going to do is take a cue from some other awesome bloggers out there and just post my progress. I won't bore you with the details of what I had for breakfast every day, but I am hoping to make this a public thing so that I feel more committed. I am not sure how much I want to share yet, but I will make it up as I go along. It isn't like I have a true eating disorder or anything, but I *do* binge eat sometimes. And I have zero control around the "bad" foods (like chips and cookies).

As of the last time I weighed myself (which was I think about 3 days ago) I was at 182 pounds. Even given all the extra boobage, I should still be at around 145. I have never ever maintained that weight for longer than 3 days (seriously - that is it), but I would be happy if I could get back to about 165 or so. That would be almost the mid point, and about 10% of my current weight. In BMI, that is going from a 26.9 (on my 5'9" frame) to a 24.4. Here is what BMI is supposed to look like:

BMI Categories:

Underweight = <18.5
Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

That still puts me at the high end, but since all the boobage is not going anywhere, I still think I would be ok. If I am ever so lucky to get down to about 155, that is 22.9, and a bit healthier.

Oh, and I do realize that BMI is not at all the be all and end all of measurement since it is based on averages and all that, but it gives me a goal, and I don't do well without a goal.

Wish me luck and send splenda. Actually, don't. No "diet foods" allowed. I want to do this all on "real" food.

Pause!

2008-11-17T18:44:00.002-05:00

So, this is me hitting the PAUSE button on NaBloPoMo. The cat may or may not be either pissed off at me or ill (there are issues with the litter box ... let's not get into details), I am working some pretty decent overtime for the next few days, Phoebe had her first obedience class yesterday and there are new commands to practice, and if I don't get my evening walk my brain will come dribbling out my ear. So ... I am pausing. I know I said I would NaBloPoMo, and I have done pretty good. But for the next few days I am pretty sure I won't have anything interesting to say anyway, given the volume of work, so I will see y'all in a few!

Meme time!

2008-11-16T00:15:00.001-05:00

AngelaRae did it, so I can too :)

Use one word to describe or answer the following list. (In the comments is fine - or on your blog if you like and then let us know to go look!)

1.Your house?
apartment

2.Your significant other?
none

3. Your hair?
insane

4. Your family?
nope

5. Favorite place to eat?
restaurants :)

6. Your favorite thing you can see right now?
laptop

7. Where is your cell phone?
table

8. Your favorite drink?
milkshake!

9.Your dream/goal?
baby

10. What Room you are in?
family

11. Your hobby?
creating

12. Your fear?
failing

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
not-here (does it count as one word if I hyphenate two totally non-hyphen-ate-able words?)

14. Where were you last night?
sofa

15. Something that you aren’t?
subtle

16. Pie?
Hooya!

17. Wish list item?
peace

18. TV show?
Buffy

19. Last thing you did?
walk

20. What are you wearing?
pyjamas

21. Vacation spot?
nature

22. Your pets?
nutsy

23. A best friend?
yuppers

24. Your life?
s'ok

25. Your mood?
s'ok

26. Missing someone?
yes

27. Your car?
TTC

28. Something you’re not wearing.
hat

29. Your favorite store?
grocery

30.Best memory?
happy :)

Note that I took the one-word thing to heart ... you try answering some of these with only one word! Also, I don't think I answered some with the spirit they were intended, but if you don't like it you can go read someone else's blog :)

Cause it is funny :)

2008-11-15T23:50:00.000-05:00

And cause I got nothing else today to post :)

An open letter to those who are inconsiderate to co-workers

2008-11-14T11:41:00.003-05:00

I am not your bitch.

I do not exist to fix your mistakes or so that you don’t have to pay attention to what you are doing.

I do not work miracles, no matter now much the evidence to the contrary.

I have a life outside the office. It may not be exciting, but it is mine and I love it.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

If you are rude to me, expect that I will not be friendly to you in return. However, I will not stoop to your level.

My time is valuable. Treat it as such.

I do not have the same priorities as you. Not even close.

Every time you forget that you are not the only person that works in this office and that we don’t all work for you, you make people not like you very much. Please remember that when you start to wonder why people are curt to you or seem unfriendly.

I will always remain civil. It doesn’t mean that I like you or that I am happy about working with you. It means that I am thinking thoughts that should not be uttered to make myself feel better. It also means that eventually karma is going to bite you in the ass.

Expect me to start having conversations with your manager if you don’t respect me. Believe that I have already had conversations with mine.

And remember … I can give as good as I get. I can remain professional and still spew venom, and you won’t even know what hit you.

Prop 8

2008-11-14T09:00:00.001-05:00

I had to come out on this (pun not intended but I am leaving it in there anyway).

My brother (estranged though he may be) is gay, and he and his husband were one of the first couples to marry in Ontario when it became legal. Despite all the crap I have gone through with him, I will always be happy that he was able to celebrate that.

When I watched the video below, I teared up. This is what I have been thinking but could never have said half so well. I am glad that he expressed himself so completely, because now I am able to tell everybody how I feel.

One Million Acts of Green

2008-11-13T12:05:00.000-05:00

I was going to email this info out, but all the people that I know who are "green" read this anyway. And maybe people that I don't know read this too, and they will see it and sign up too!

In the event that you haven't heard of One Million Acts of Green, check it out!

The Commute: Part II

2008-11-12T09:24:00.003-05:00

As promised, here is the update from this morning:

7:43 Leave apartment and run a bit as I realise the express bus is already on the way to the stop (a mere 1 minute walk from my front door). This bus is actually on time!!
7:44 Get on express bus and deposit my 2 tokens in the fare box.
7:44:30 Take my pick of seats as this was the first stop on the route and only 5 of us got on.
7:45 .... Ahhhhhhh .... Wishing I had a coffee with me.
7:49 Overhear a lady saying to a friend that this is "the only way to travel". Lady - you got that right!!!
7:57 .... Ahhhhhhhhhhhh ....
8:24 Exit bus at stop closest to office, with a 4 minute walk to go.
8:29 At desk, feeling relaxed and ready for the day.

Can you tell which will be my chosen travel method going forward???

The Commute: Part 1

2008-11-10T09:06:00.004-05:00

I expect this will be part one of two. Stay tuned.

So, this morning was the first time since the move that I have had to commute into work on transit. This is the part that I have been dreading, and here is why:

7:47 Leave apartment.
7:48 See bus approaching and have furious internal debate over the merits of the bus vs walking. Decide that it is cold and I am a wimp and take the bus.
7:49 Bus driver is certifiable and a meanie, and I am sincerely regretting taking the bus. My already unhappy back is protesting, and it is taking every ounce of strength I have not to fall over.
7:50 Hate the bus driver. Decide that it could be -76 degrees, and I would still never take the bus those 3 stops again, for fear of expensive lawsuits.
7:51 Arrive at subway station, shaken not stirred. Head to overcrowded subway platform.
7:53 Subway arrives and I am astounded at how many people are on that sucker. Standing room only. Back threatens to walk out on me.
7:59 Ooh! Tall, cute boy arrives and I spend a few moments contemplating what our children would look like (hey ... I could not reach my iPod, and I needed to amuse myself. Don't judge me.).
8:04 Hate the subway and every person on it for the shoving and pushing and rudeness.
8:17 Finally exit the subway. Decide against dance of joy as back has left the building.
8:23 Enter office.

And that, my friends, is why I lived a 15 min walk from the office for years.

Coming soon!! Watch for a post on Wednesday morning after I try the alternate way of coming in .... the express bus. Twice as expensive, but hopefully will save me in chiropractor and psychiatric bills. And possibly lawyers fees.

NaBloPoMo is hard

2008-11-09T08:15:00.003-05:00

I am spending way too much time living my life right now to be writing about it, which is kind of cool. And sleeping. Living and sleeping. I swear, if you give me 10 minutes of free time, I can fall asleep. I think the low iron and the stress (which is lifting, thank goodness) and the allergies have combined to make me about 1/44 of a second away from Zombie-hood. Which would have been great for Halloween, but is not terribly practical for the other 364 days of the year.

In Celabration of the Ordinary

2008-11-07T12:31:00.002-05:00

So, I got groceries at lunch today. This is the first time in about, oh .... 3 years or so that I have had
a) space to store things
b) counter space to prepare things
c) a grocery store that carries a decent variety of stuff!!

I have had 2 of the 3 for so long now, that I had forgotten how to go for groceries. With only a little space, I shopped for the things I needed that day (or maybe a few days worth). With a small store, well, I didn't find everything I wanted. But NOW?!?! Yay! I got stuffs today that I may not have seen in a long time and that I may not eat for days or even a week! Woot!!

Oh, SO tired

2008-11-06T19:04:00.002-05:00

Ya ... not writing today. Too tired.

KTHXBAI!

Newness

2008-11-05T09:12:00.003-05:00

I am so much enjoying the new neighbourhood. Over the past few days I have been taking the hound on some nice walks through various areas around here. There are some fab houses around here that make for some great ogling. Plus, there is a huge and gorgeous dog park not far from here. I am arriving at the perfect time, cause the colours and the leaves are spectacular. I saw some foliage this morning that was such a stunning red that I had to stop and stare a bit.

Yay! I made the right move, in more ways than one.

Jumpin' jehosephat

2008-11-04T23:05:00.004-05:00

Well, would you look at that. Looks like the Americans finally got it right!!! No recounts even! I can't wait to read the paper tomorrow and see what some of my fave American bloggers have to say!!

If the World could vote

2008-11-04T10:22:00.006-05:00

I am totally stealing this from Podgy, but I am sure she will forgive me :)

This could potentially be one of the most interesting things I read today. It will be more interesting to see the outcome of the election tonight (well, tomorrow cause I am not staying up late to see the results - they will be the same in the morning as they will at stoopid o'clock tonight).

Check it out - and vote!

(P.S. I do have other things to write about, but I have limited time right now. So this is likely it for my NaBloPoMo post today.)

Whoops

2008-11-02T12:38:00.003-05:00

Ok .. I missed on the first day of nablopomo .... when I tell you about the move, you will totally forgive me, however. But not today. Today I am resting my weary body and recovering. I have allergies and sore muscles all over the place. The guy just came to install my innernets, I have 101 posts on Reader and have not seen the news in days. I have been without my interwebs since 9:00 Friday morning when I unplugged my modem (whatever happened to sharing, people? all the local wireless connections were locked down tighter than Lady Hamilton's virtue!!).

So, "hi!". The move was successful, if awful, and I am mostly all settled in. Hope everybody had a good Halloween!!

SNOW! No ... not allowed

2008-10-28T22:09:00.004-04:00

I was all relaaaaaxed .... listening to a guided meditation, trying to forget all the stress of the impending move .... and it worked! Worked so well that I nodded off a little. And then, eejit that I am some days, I decided to read the paper a bit. You know, see what is going on in the world. BAD idea. Cause I read this. Which lead to this. I dearly hope that the rain on Friday doesn't land, cause no wanna move in the rain!!

I just can't stop myself!

2008-10-27T15:57:00.001-04:00

From either blogging or watching this ....

Oh, Ellen ... you nutty woman you

2008-10-27T12:48:00.002-04:00

I am having a boring day, so I was surfing on my lunch break. Found a site that linked to this. You must watch! You will laugh :)

Yikes!

2008-10-27T07:53:00.004-04:00

The countdown has begun! I have officially used up all my weekend days for packing. By this time next week I will have moved and be settling in. Yikes!

I am mostly packed, but have a few things out that I either need between now and then, or that I haven't been able to pack cause I ran out of boxes. I have a charity coming tomorrow to pick up a bunch of donations that I don't need anymore that I found while sorting through every single thing I own. Like 6 garbage bags worth of "don't need". I think I have mastered the art of paring down, don't you? It's like that TLC show where they teach you how to throw things out. Make piles, decide. If in doubt, put it in a corner and decide in a few minutes. Surprisingly few things were garbage (since I did this a year ago), but I discovered that I was holding on to some stuff (still!!) "just in case". I don't have the space for that!! There are still a few boxes that I haven't dealth with yet (cause I ran out of floor space) that I am hoping to work through once the charity comes. I may have to arrange another pickup once I move for all the other things I decide to get rid of.

Not to change the topic (but I am not really) .... but did any of you see the profiles on CNN.com regarding all the people who have moved into little 100sq ft houses? They are so cute! I think I could totally do that ... if it weren't for the loves of my life.

Is it still Monday somewhere???

2008-10-21T18:38:00.003-04:00

Let's see ...

Weather? Insanely cold with snow (SNOW!).

Coordination? Dropped a bottle of dog perfume at Fruits & Passion at lunch today. Smash. Yes, dog perfume. I wasn't going to buy it, but I was curious. Did I mention the "smash"? And the subsequent guilt-purchase of things I don't need???

Coordination part the second? Almost fell down the stairs at my building on the way home while carrying laptop, purse, boxes for moving. I haven't worn heels much lately, and now I remember why.

Friends? Certifiable (but that is kind of fun, normally).

Dog? Being driven insane-er by visit from "boyfriend" outside our window who then proceeded to go to the elevators and call to her. Also - the chihuahua across the hall has been yelping for two-ish hours, which upsets the hound (and me).

All in all, I am going into hibernation now. See you in the spring! Hopefully the crazy will have ended by then, and life will be puppies and rainbows and chocolate, cause this day SUCKED!

Challenge!! (but say it with a French accent)

2008-10-17T13:08:00.007-04:00

(French as in a person imitating someone from France, not real French, cause bad imitations are more fun.)

Ok ... so a challenge has been issued. I know, cause I issued it :)

I hereby challenge Podgy to NaBloPoMo for November. Challenge!

Let's see if I can stick to my own challenge ... remember, I move at the end of October, so the first few days of November could be "interesting" in terms of internet access.

May the most insane blogger finish the race!

Overheard while walking the dog

2008-10-10T19:38:00.003-04:00

Lady A: I always thought she was more interested in buying shoes than bathmats.

Lady B: Oh no ... she had a LOT of things in her apartment. But Mike is a minimalist, so she had to give a lot of her stuff up.

Um ... what? What year is this? A part of me wanted to turn around and actually ask them why SHE was the one making such a huge change. Why didn't HE make a compromise as well. And then the demi-rational side of me thought "well, maybe he did. Maybe he is ok with some clutter now." But really, I am just annoyed on her behalf and wondering if they are doomed to a relationship based on compromise rather than joint interest.

And then I remembered that I don't even know who they are talking about and I walked on. And then I came home and blogged about it for no particular reason.

Arts Funding

2008-10-10T11:22:00.005-04:00

I am not an artist by trade. I don't personally know anyone who earns his/her living solely through their artistic merits. I do, however, know a LOT of creative and artistic people. For you, I present the following, found at Torontoist.com.

Harper's comment annoyed me. I found it to be a further sign of his head-up-arse syndrome that I am hoping will be corrected as of Oct 14th. If any of you reading this are not voting ... I will be on your doorstep with pitchforks and torches at 4:00 in the afternoon if I have to! If you aren't registered, do it today!!

Fearmongering in the US

2008-10-05T21:50:00.003-04:00

I can't tell you how much time I have spent the last little while trying to sort through the myriad of information on elections, financial bailouts, other insane news and a bunch of other issues that I enjoy reading about (and debating through the joy that seems to be the new popularity of being able to comment on everything from blogs to newspaper articles). Sometimes, though ... it just gets to be too much and you gotta have some fun.

Here is one of the best commentaries I have seen to date about the US government and the financial bailout:

Saturday night fever

2008-10-04T21:28:00.004-04:00

So, interesting dilemma. I am so very very very bored tonight, but for the life of me I can't think of what I would do given the option! Being alone downtown is getting kind of old ... I wish that more of my friends were close by. Sometimes this building make me feel so old. There is always a party going on (with some very glam looking chicks, BTW) to make me feel like my social life (and my "look") just isn't up to snuff.

*sigh*

At least Phoebe is here to keep me company. Pixel is officially a cat, and sleeping in the bedroom.

Good morning from the dog

2008-10-03T07:55:00.003-04:00

I am so very glad that I have a queen sized bed most mornings and that I can effectively curl up in the middle of it. My problem with waking up in the morning, aside from the "extreme comfy factor", is that there is now the "cold nose factor" to contend with.

Phoebe is very clear about not being allowed up on the bed (not so clear on the sofa rule, but I have been iffy on that one myself depending on how sucky I am feeling at the moment). She is, however, less clear on the concept of her nose being very very cold first thing in the morning when I am waking up under the comfy comfy covers!!

Most mornings, I hit sleep on the alarm at least once. I have timed my day around this so that I can relaaax a bit. But if I don't remember to totally cover up again after that first moment of wakefulness, she jabs me with her nose in whatever fleshy part she can reach. This isn't so bad until it is my feet or my side. See, she knows that I am about to get up and this makes her very happy. She knows that things like walkies and breakfast and belly rubs are imminent, and she can barely handle this fact. Plus, there is a pretty good chance that at some point soon I will sit down to either eat or read the paper, and then she gets to do her most favorite thing ever: sit on my feet.

shudder

2008-10-02T13:25:00.001-04:00

HUH WHAT??? I want a kid as much as the next woman who's biological clock keeps her awake at night, but holy swiss cheese!!! This is creepy.

I thought my hound was smart!!

2008-10-01T14:32:00.001-04:00

This goggie takes the cake, and the tray it rode in on!!

Rollin' rollin' rollin'

2008-09-29T21:02:00.003-04:00

I am feeling a wee bit overwhelmed by the move thing. The crappiest part of this is that I have to be out by the end of the month here, but can't move in until the first of the month there. Which means organizing getting the animals annual shots this week (they are a bit behind .... my bad) so I can board them for a night while I have all my stuff put in storage overnight and pay movers to move out one day and in the next. The expense is more than I would like to pay and it is a royal pain in the arse to do it this way. It also means that the new apartment won't be cleaned or painted for me. Ick. Luckily it was not in bad condition the last time I saw it, so cleaning should not be too traumatic (I hope!!).

Now I know why moving is listed as one of the top stressors. I have been fortunate in the past that my moves have been reasonably smooth. This one may break that streak, and I am incredibly nervous that my stuff will be held hostage by the moving company because I see so many reports on how unscrupulous moving companies can be. If I could afford one of the big ones I would feel better, but even the smaller ones charge an arm and a freakin' leg to get this done. I am hoping that the one I used last year will be easy on my wallet as they did a good job and didn't gouge me at the end.

Sigh. I am not doing this again for at least a few years without a *really* good reason.

The weekend of the Gourd

2008-09-28T22:46:00.004-04:00

I cooked so much this weekend! After the trip to the market on Thursday and to St Lawrence Market on Saturday morning, I was well set to do some serious cooking (which had to wait until today because of the never-ending headache ... does anyone else have those these days? Wondering if it is an air pressure change thing).

Over the course of Friday evening and today, I managed to create:
- banana bread
- pumpkin loaf
- pumpkin cream cheese
- roasted pumpkin seeds
- pumpkin puree
- a vat of squash soup
- pumpkin ravioli

That last one is the crowning achievement, let me tell ya! That is the first time that I have ever attempted pasta from scratch (by hand even) and it turned out pretty good. Took me two tries to get the dough right, and even still I have to master the art of the rolling pin, but it is soooo yummy! Add a sauce of some sauteed scallions, cherry tomatoes and garlic in a bit of olive oil, and topped with some fresh Parmesan and you got one heck of a tasty meal. The filling was easy (even though it was fresh pumpkin and a bit intimidating) so I think next time I will buy the pasta sheets and save myself the trouble.

The next challenge: dog biscuits. No, I am not going to be one of "those" dog people. I just think it could be fun to make my own peanut butter biscuits for her. Plus, I got a cookie cutter in the shape of a cat and I am feeling a little evil :)

Vegetables!

2008-09-25T16:24:00.008-04:00

So. You wanna know what 19.5 lbs of vegetables looks like??

Pretty, eh? I went a little nuts at the farmers market today (obviously). I just love how the acorn squash is bigger than the pumpkins. What they lack in size, they certainly make up for in heft. I am going to turn at least one of them into ravioli, which makes me salivate at the thought. Yum! The squash and carrots are going into soup and the parsnips are for roasting. I *heart* fall vegetable season!!

And just cause I feel like I haven't shared about the aminals lately, here are some gratuitous shots of recent days.

I somehow managed to catch her mid-yawn and doing a very good impression of a rug.

We were out walking on King Street near Yonge, waiting for friends to arrive at Union Station. She is so pretty :) I swear she is smiling ....

so little time!

2008-09-24T23:03:00.003-04:00

I have so much to comment on lately, and not a lot of brainpower or time left at the end of the day to string a few sentences together. With two very interesting elections coming up, preparing to move, overtime at work and some interesting things going on with friends, I am just a little drained by the end of the day. Not that the elections are specifically impacting my schedule, but the required reading is extensive. I have been so absorbed in the McCain / Palin ticket and trying to figure out who in their right mind would vote for them, that I am not spending as much time on our own election as I would like. That said, I know who I am voting for, but as I move two weeks after the vote I am also trying to get to "know" those in my new riding.

Speaking of the US election, the recent popularity of blogging gives everything a new perspective. Some of the blogs I read are US-based, and they link to local newspaper articles on occasion. It is interesting to see the story from the perspective of small town Ohio, as opposed to the media giants.

Anyhoo ... I am supposed to be sleeping, but can't turn my brain off. So, I am going to turn the computer off and see if that helps. G'night!!

Just disturbing

2008-09-09T16:29:00.003-04:00

Really truely.

"Slaughterhouse charged with using child labor"

Gee ... this feels familiar

2008-09-05T17:30:00.002-04:00

I kind of wish it didn't though.

I am moving. Again. Another time. Ack.

Why on gawd's green earth would I do that? Cause while this place is an upgrade from my last in terms of size, it is still smallish for me, one rather rotund cat and an ADD-afflicted hound dog. So, I had anxiety last week when I gave my notice in to the management, and started looking. So far I have seen one place, but it didn't work out that well. First off the woman was NOT AT ALL clear on their pet policy, and I wasted my time going to see it anyway. As this building had been my first choice in terms of location, I am sorry that it didn't work out, but the only available 1BR apartment was kinda dark and faced another building anyway, so it all worked out in the end.

Tomorrow I have appointments to see 4 more places and 2 more booked for Monday. I have Monday and Tuesday off to see as many as I can in that time, and my rather lofty goal is to have a place secured by Friday. Pipe dream? Possibly. But if I have learned anything lately, it is go hard for what you want, which is what I am doing.

In case you are wondering, there are only a few areas of the city that I am looking in. I am spoiled, and I like having TTC (preferably the subway) close at hand. (Caveat: TTC with a GOOD schedule, not that Scarberia crap.) I also want to see trees. The harbour has been fun, but I need more green. Parks are good, as is the Beltline Trail. High park is possible, but kinda the wrong direction, so we shall see. I also don't want to be too far north as my commute for the past few years (at least while I was working) was a 10 - 20 minute commute, depending on what apartment I was in and how many tourists I had to dodge to get home (no kidding ... try getting around the SkyDome when there is a game or some event on - nuts!!).

So, that is what I am doing these days. My move date unfortunately looks to be around Halloween, but I am hoping to work around that.

Wish me luck apartment hunting ... I don't like it nearly as much as condo hunting, but I hope to be in this next place for at least a few years.

Monday profundity

2008-08-25T13:15:00.003-04:00

Profundity care of Dooce:

"My friend Leona gave me some really profound advice last night as we were talking about how much better our thirties are compared to our twenties. She said, "No matter what horrible thing you're going through, when it's all over it only takes three seconds to sum it up. Remember that."

Try it ... no matter what crap you have been through, it works. Some examples from my life include "I met a man who treated me badly. I left and am stronger for it." & "I suffered from severe depression and lived to tell the tale.". Last but not least ... "My dog is a hellion, but I love her anyway."

And to illustrate that overcoming things is possible, today marks 1 year since I returned to work after my extended leave of absence.

Love and hugs to all!

L.

I am officially older in 3 ... 2 .... 1

2008-08-20T00:00:00.000-04:00

Yup. S'right. Another year older, 289 years wiser.

My wish is that I learn less this year than I did last year. Learning is great and all that, but I want this year to be easier than the last. Plus, I am running out of room in my brain, and if I learn anything else, then long division is outta there.

Good start to a good birthday week

2008-08-18T08:52:00.005-04:00

For the first time in more years than I care to think about, I am actually enjoying gettin older this year!! So many of my birthdays when I was married were spent with inlaws. Not that there is anything wrong with that - they are fantastic people and love(d) me more than most inlaws would have. But given my choice, I would have spent my birthdays with more friends. (You will notice here that I make no mention of my family ... for about 5 years now we have held to the notion that birthday gifts, and indeed Christmas gifts, were too much bother and expense because we didn't know each other well enough to get each other things that we would really appreciate. The most we would ever do for these things would grumpily gather for a meal.) But this year I am surrounded by good friends and am loving it :) Not only did a bunch of us get together for dinner on Saturday, I am doing it again with MORE good friends on Wednesday! And even with TWO birthday parties, I am still not going to get to see everyone cause our schedules don't always mesh that cleanly.

I am so freakin' lucky!!!

I wonder what next year will bring ....

It never rains but it pours

2008-08-15T22:27:00.003-04:00

I know, I know ... you are all thinking "so, what ... she disappears for weeks at a time and then we get this flurry of posts? what's up with that??". Well, peeps, I have a life. Not an exciting or cool one, but a life nonetheless. As proof of the non-exciting factor, I give you:

Six Unspectacular Quirks About Myself.

The Rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you (well, nobody tagged me, but I found it here)
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about six unspectacular quirks you possess.
4. Tag six following bloggers by linking them. (Um ... I don't know 6 bloggers, so I trust that people will see this and become irreversibly entranced by it and continue the trend.)
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they have been tagged. (See above.)

So, here I go. 6 Unspectacular Quirks About ME

1) The bedsheets have to be a certain way (a la Monica in "Friends". I didn't get it from her, but it works for me.)
2) I can't eat after a night of drinking. No pizza, no falafel, no street "meat".
3) I use the word/phrase y'all and am not a southern belle or anything of the sort.
4) Grammar matters to me in all situations. If I write something grammatically incorrect, I have done so out of choice.
5) I have the insane urge to hold my breath while going past cemeteries. It has something to do with the ghosts of those buried there entering my body through my nostrils, but I don't know where I got that notion from.
6) Wow. I ain't all that quirky, cause I can't come up with anything else. Actually, I AM quirky, but I don't recognize my own quirkyness. Is that quirky in and of itself? Do you know how many times it takes writing it before the word "quirky" takes on a whole new presence? Apparently it takes 5 times in a single paragraph before you want to throw it down and throttle it for being so quirky.

G'night folks!!

ya, another quiz

2008-08-15T20:51:00.001-04:00

Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test...

ENFP - The Champion

You scored 82% I to E, 47% N to S, 38% F to T, and 68% J to P!

Your type is known as the Champion type, which is part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing occurs that does not have some deep and ethical significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you think you should be. 3% of the population shares your type.

As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter for your partner's efforts to grow and change and be happy. You need to feel that same support from your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious, you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and soul mate, as well as play mate. You are uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though, and tend to withdraw from confrontation and process your feelings privately. You feel most loved when your partner appreciates your creativity, accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the compassionate person you are. You need to hear your partner tell you how much you mean to them and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous things to demonstrate it.

Your group summary: idealists (NF)

Your type summary: ENFP

Take The LONG Scientific Personality Test at HelloQuizzy

Did I mention that I am on VACATION?!!!??

2008-08-15T17:30:00.003-04:00

No, I am not going anywhere. I am going to kick back and enjoy the week off just doing stuff. I have books to read, friends to chat with (without interruption or stress), dogs (well, ok ... dog) to walk, movies to watch, more friends to visit and birthdays to celebrate. Furniture to pick up and assemble, pictures to take, print and frame. Goals to plan. I will write and maybe paint. I picked up three bottles of wine today, which is the most wine that I have ever purchased for my own personal consumption (which isn't really saying much cause I didn't use to drink wine ... and usually there is someone on the way to share it with me). I plan to take long baths, long walks, and experience extended stretches of silence. And I plan to enjoy every, single second of it.

OK .... now I feel better ;)

2008-08-14T22:02:00.002-04:00

Your result for The Commonly Confused Words Test...

English Genius

You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 87% Advanced, and 87% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

Take The Commonly Confused Words Test at HelloQuizzy

And C ... in case you are reading this, you can kiss ma grits :)

This is bad .. verr verry bad.

2008-08-14T21:50:00.002-04:00

Your result for The What is your REAL age Test...

You are 39 years old!!

Take The What is your REAL age Test at HelloQuizzy

For those who are counting, I will be 34 next week. Verr verry bad. I blame G for introducing me to these damn quizzes.

What a year will teach you

2008-08-12T07:20:00.000-04:00

.... if you are willing to learn, that is.

I have been writing this particular post for about 3 weeks (longer, if you count all the time I have spent thinking about it and talking about what I have learned with all my friends). It isn't meant to be advice or anything, just a sort of record of how I have changed and how my thoughts have drastically shifted.

In no particular order, here is what I have learned over the past year. Don't expect anything earth shattering ... A philosopher I ain't.

- Nobody is going to fight for you like you fight for yourself. Not less or more, just different.
- Friends, especially those select few who you consider to be your best friends, make a *world* of difference. They can help you stave off depressive feelings and kick you in the butt when you need it.
- Speaking of butts, Andrew has a nice one :)
- There are a lot of great guys out there. The ones I know have given me the courage to continue looking for a partner in crime.
- If you don't know what you want, you will never get it. Obvious, but true.
- The more I dwell on something, the more power I am giving to someone else. Same is true for anger. Every time I choose to get angry, I am giving away a little piece of me to the person who pissed me off.
- Lies, and especially liars, suck the life out of you. Get rid of 'em.
- Don't ever let anybody put down anything about your life that you love. If they do, they are not worth your time or friendship.
- Confidence conquers.
- Sometimes the crap you have been through puts you in a good position to help someone else. Don't be embarrassed about it - share your experiences to their benefit.
- Dogs is awesome, but a freakin' lot of work.
- Cats is easier.
- There is nothing wrong with internet dating, but it is not the easiest forum. I could write a book on that alone, actually.
- I need to take more pictures.
- Babies are sheer joy (no, I didn't just learn this, but suddenly becoming an aunt reminded me of this in a very forceful way)
- "Stuff" and "posessions" don't ultimately matter. Nothing is going to take away your memories. Experiences are far more valuable.
- Real friends don't keep score. Ever.
- Even the worst experiences can be learning experiences if are willing to look and see.
- Regret is for sissies. Reflection is for adults. (Some of you may disagree on this one ... love to hear your thoughts)
- Friends are easier than you think to find, but sometimes hard to keep.
- Seeking out humour every day (not just waiting for it to happen) ensures that you smile at least once every single day, whether it is a good day or not.

I have been single for 1 year as of today (yay me!). Those who know me know that it was not easy for me to get out of that relationship. Even my doctor was impressed that I was able to do it and to come out of it as .... strong? cleanly? healthy? .... as I did. It was not easy (let me say it one more time ... NOT easy). In point of fact, it was hell. One year ago I was suffering from a diagnosis of severe depression and bi-polar disorder. Today, I am healthy, on no medication (and better yet I don't need it) and am the closest I have even been to the life I want and deserve. A lot has happened in the last year. Every time I look back, I am impressed with how far I have come. I didn't do it by myself. I have people around me that love me unconditionally and who will be there for me whenever I need them. And I for them. Know what? That is a fucking fantastic feeling. For the first time ever, I know that there are people (not just one, even!!) that I can count on. Not even my family was there for me like that for most of my life. And for the first time, I am in a position to be there for people when they need it. Before my life went all to hell and back, I was naive and close-minded and didn't even know it. Now I have a breadth of experience to draw on that a lot of people don't get. I would not wish some of my experiences on my worst enemy, but there are some things that I would not take back. Those events shaped who I am and how I think.

One of the things that has impacted my life the most in the last year is all the friends I have made or found. Due to my policy of not divulging personal information here, I won't list them, but I want you all to know how much they mean to me. Love you guys and gals :)

L.

I love my Star Wars name :)

2008-07-31T10:16:00.004-04:00

YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Um, so that would be Poco TTC, I guess?

YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
L-Rei

YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Dog

YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Ann Toronto (well, actually it would be Ann Scarborough, but I can't admit that)

YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
Reile (I kinda like that)

SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Pink Martini

NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
William Angus

STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Doulton Chocolate

WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Jesse Alexander

TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 4th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Lions Lima

SPY NAME/BOND GIRL: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Summer Gerbera Daisy

CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)
Cherry Little Black T-Shirtie

HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Egg Maple (that sounds dumb ...)

YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Knitting Sunlight Tour

I love me a good epiphany

2008-07-28T18:44:00.002-04:00

And oh boy have I had a few in the last few days. There is nothing like a gut-wrenching cry to make you re-think the way you do things.

First off, I realised that there is more to me giving the recent boy the ol' heave ho than meets the eye. Yesterday, I did *exactly* what I should have done when I met the evil ex. Granted, this guy was nothing like the evil ex, but that isn't the point. The point is that I did what I needed to do. But as I realised this, it made a few more unpleasant memories and thoughts resurface, and I had to deal with them today before getting on with things. (I actually called in sick to work today. I felt like hell both in body and mind, seeing as my appetite disappeared yesterday and my body was tired from all the emotions and lack of sleep. Calling in sick was the best thing I could have done for myself and I am glad I did it.)

Secondly, I thought about my relationship with my puppy. I got her because I wanted a dog and because I like the company. What I have basically done since then is expect her to fit into my schedule. I still go out as I please, with only minimal adaptation to the fact that there is this other being to take care of. As I look back, her walks have gotten considerably shorter every day as I find more interesting things to do. I am not being fair to either of us with this, as I am not getting the exercise I need (remember when I said I wanted to walk this dog all the time and lose these freaking extra pounds? ya .....) and nor is she, which is more important. I would bark my head off too if I was in her place. So I have decided to re-evaluate what my idea of fun is. I think rather than going out as often in the way I have been, I will spend more time doing other things I like. After all ... once I move, I won't be as close to the Entertainment District anymore, and it will make all the clubbing and whatnot much harder. Plus, I can only do that for so long before I get bored. All these really late nights would have been a lot more fun if I had done them when I was 24, not 34 (or 33, 11 months and 1 week, but who is counting).

So, there you have it. The process took far less time than it used to, partly cause I have awesome friends who help me sort things out. Yay friends!!

So, what are we going to do for my birthday, and does anybody know a good puppysitter?

Changes

2008-07-27T18:45:00.001-04:00

This week has been a roller coaster for me.

I have been single for 11 1/2 months now. For the most part I have enjoyed that time, and am ok with living by myself. But I know that deep down this is not the way I want to live the rest of my life. So, I try internet dating. I put myself out there, open to risk and heartache in the hopes that something will come of it. Last Sunday I met someone that I thought had really good potential. All week I was wrapped up in that happy feeling that comes with the newness of a relationship, cause it seemed like that was exactly what I was heading towards. I had forgotten what it is like to hold hands with someone you like and feel that small connection with another human, and it was good. I had a week of twittery stomach and nervous anticipation about speaking to him and seeing him.

And then I found out that he lied. Stupid crap about the fact that he doesn't smoke, when really he does. I cannot abide lying. I also discovered that we have very different opinions on some important stuff that didn't come out right away (as it most often doesn't). This morning I made the decision that it wasn't going to work, and I told him. And then I cried. I didn't cry for him. I cried because in order to allow myself the chance at happiness, I have to open myself up to hurt. It has happened before, and I am pretty sure it will happen again. But I don't know how not to do it. I don't know how not to hope for the dreams that I have had since I was a child. I'm not sure I would want to live if I didn't have those hopes, because otherwise it would just be existing. I am, however, looking for that delicate balance between being open and protecting myself. I don't want to meet new guys thinking that statistically it is likely that it isn't going to work, but I can't keep smashing myself against the wall like this. That isn't to say that I felt anything strong for him personally. What hurts the most is that feeling that karma is biting me in the ass for something I did in a past life, and that I may never be allowed the happiness I deserve. The feeling goes away, and I know it is total malarkey, but it is what it is.

I had a hard day today in general. There was a letter on my door when I got home in the wee hours of the morning after the Wakestock party at the Docks, saying that Phoebe has apparently been barking when I am not home, pretty much since I got her and at that my neighbour is tired of it and will go to the building management if it doesn't stop. It really would have been nice to have been told this a lot earlier, as then it would not be this urgent thing to fix it now. I am faced with the very real possibility that if I can't work out a solution fast, I may have to give her up. This possibility hurts me more than I can express, and has caused me to spend most of the day in fits of tears. It also exacerbated the other icky feelings that I was going through.

What ended up happening today was that I spent a LOT of time considering my options. I have spent the last 11 1/2 months making changes to improve my life. Mostly, that has gone well. But apparently I am not done. I don't think that the timing is right for me to start any sort of new relationship, because I am still not equipped to deal with the fallout when the statistically-likely thing happens, and it doesn't work. It pains me to say this, though, because I know that making that decision means that I am less and less likely to realize my dream of children (hell, even one would be good). But it is the price I have to pay, I think. I proved to myself today that I can make the decision to end something with no future , because my standards are high and non-negotiable. I proved something that I had suspected about myself, which is that it is better for me to be alone than to compromise. That is a huge step for me, and I am going to take it for the victory it is. For the first time ever I am strong enough to say that someone isn't good enough for me and stick to my guns.

Having said all of that, it doesn't change the fact that it sucks. I deserve better than this. So do all my friends who are going through much of the same. Problem is that I don't know how to change it. I don't know what I need to do to fix it all. So, I will start small. I will start with training the dog so that I don't have to give her up. Because I have to start somewhere.

To celebrate my return to blogland

2008-07-24T14:52:00.001-04:00

Yah!! No more effing braces!! Woot!! Doctor gave me the all-clear yesterday to start going back to working and whatnot on a gradual basis. In honour of this, I give you my review of the Dark Night, which I saw last night.

GO SEE IT.

That's it. That's all she wrote. I thought it rocked, and that they made a movie that even non-Batman fans could revel in.

(As an interesting side note ... I know realise that the only reason I have been able to grow my nails lately is because I wasn't typing as much. Typing with long nails is annoying ... and my use of the backspace key is much higher than it was pre-braces.)

L.